America's Royal Family, wealth accumulator Jay Z and pop magnate Beyoncé, released a surprise trailer last night for their upcoming On The Run tour that proves two things: surprises now lack meaning and money cannot buy self-awareness. A third thing: Beyoncé has no idea what a gun is.

The video is four minutes of several middling famous people running around in pursuit of the more famous duo, plus guns. It is the shellacked patchwork Jeff Koons yacht crashing into a Ride the Ducks tour of Minneapolis. The couple exchange shootouts and summer camp stories with the following friends:

  • Sean Penn
  • Don Cheadle
  • Guillermo Díaz
  • Emmy Rossum
  • Jake Gyllenhaal
  • Blake Lively
  • Rashida Jones
  • Kidada Jones

Jay Z threatens Don Cheadle, Blake Lively cradles Beyonce's face and tries her absolute best to remember her lines, and Rashida Jones shows up to bring levity to the depressing reality that famous people have no idea what the fuck they're doing. It also vaguely resembles a Drake video that seemed impossible to top at one point in time.

Most mystifying of all about a truly difficult-to-endure video: if you are over 17, you must not watch this without a person or a curator. Find a person (or curator) and watch it. But not before.

What In The Holy Hell Is This Jay Z/Beyoncé Tour Trailer?