Fat Fatties Only Exercise Like an Hour a Year, Says Science

America, you're bulbous. Which is cool, if that's cool with you! The thing is, you're lazy as all get-up, too, and we have data to prove it: Obese women get one hour per year of exercise, and obese men get less than four hours. "They're living their lives from one chair to another," says a judgey researcher.

Scientists at the University of Alabama used data from a government survey to find the seemingly obvious correlation, according to HealthDay:

In the new study, researchers examined the results of a 2005-2006 government survey of adults aged 20 to 74. Among other things, the survey tracked the weight, diet and sleep patterns of nearly 2,600 adults.

Accelerometer devices were used to track their movements, providing insight into how much they exercised.

The study defined "vigorous" exercise as activities that burn fat like jogging and jumping rope, but not sexual activity. According to Archer, who was at the University of South Carolina when the study was conducted, sex isn't as much of a fat-burning activity as certain other kinds of exercise so it doesn't qualify as vigorous.

The researchers found that the average obese woman gets the equivalent of about one hour of exercise a year. For men, it's 3.6 hours a year.

Put another way, fat chicks get about 10 seconds of real exercise a day. For dudes, about 35 or 36 seconds. (Are you sure sex, or at least a quick wank, doesn't count?)

Some of the fat people in the study "are moving probably a fair amount," Archer said, "but the vast majority are not moving at all."

Now, that's a correlative relationship, but no causal connection is suggested. Do people:

1. get fat because they're lazy?

Or, do people:

2. get lazy because they're fat?

As a fat dude, I say: Yes. I didn't need science to tell me that. What I need science to do is make sure I can eat Hot Pockets again soon. If I sprint around the living room in the two minutes that they're cooking, I'll be the most active obese person in the world.

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