What Should Cheese Be Called Now?

Taking a page out of the American Renaming Shit Because Your Shit Sucks Book of Pettiness, the EU has moved forward with a motion to prohibit Americans from using traditionally European names for cheeses like Parmesan, feta, and Gorgonzola. No skin off our massively engorged cheese wheel, buds.

The Europeans say Parmesan should only come from the area around Parma, Italy, not from Auricchio's plant or those familiar green cylinders that American companies sell. Feta should only be from Greece, they say, even though feta isn't a place. The EU argues it "is so closely connected to Greece as to be identified as an inherently Greek product."

Luckily, The Americans also have been penning a different book in the 10 years since Freedom Fries slapped the frites right out of their pommes. This book is called We Don't Need Your Shit Because Our Shit Is Better.

So since the EU is asking: what should cheese be called now? The three cheeses up for debate are feta, Parmesan, and Gorgonzala.

Feta:

  • crumblixx
  • supa-crumblixxx
  • omelet enhancer
  • omelet detractor
  • Gr**k salad toppl'ins

Parmesan:

  • jizz from the preservatives wolf
  • SALTCHEESE
  • cockroach feed
  • pizza wig

Gorgonzola:

  • blue-and-white brick crumblez
  • ferment
  • morgue trash

Your suggestions are welcome in the comments.

[Image of cheese banker via AP]