Last night, we got a taste of our very first taste of a debate night duel. On one side, we had our typical, Fox News-facilitated pageantry of foot-stomping candidates vying for our love. On the other side, we got Trump. As for you—well, you had questions.

Google Trends pulled together the top five questions for each of the candidates still in the running. Some of your questions were very, very dumb. Some were not! Still, we answered all of them for you.

Jeb Bush

How old is Jeb Bush?

Jeb Bush is 62 years old.

Is Jeb Bush pro-life?

Jeb Bush is most certainly pro-life. As governor of Florida, Bush tried to stop public funds from being used for stem cell research, signed a parental consent of abortion bill into law, and preached that there’s no need to teach kids about abortions if we just teach them to be good people instead.

Is Jeb Bush George Bush’s brother?

If you’re talking about George W. Bush, then yes, he is. If you’re talking about George H. W. Bush, then no, you idiots—Jeb is his son.

Is Jeb Bush still in the race?

Boy is he ever:

What happened to Jeb Bush’s campaign?

The short and not very helpful answer is that Jeb! happened to Jeb Bush’s campaign. The slightly longer answer is that, other than his last name, there’s no real reason Jeb should have ever been a candidate in the first place. After all, he’s not a conservative firebrand. He’s not charismatic. He’s not a popular figure. He’s just a Bush.

Unfortunately for Jeb, all he really has going for him (other than tons of cash and a few sweaters) is the fact that he’s one of least buffoonish candidates running. And that certainly isn’t going to do him any favors with the party base.

Ben Carson

How is Ben Carson polling?

According to Real Clear Politics, Ben Carson is currently in fourth place with 8.3 percent of the vote.

Where is Ben Carson?

In addition to being inside each of our hearts always, at the time of publication, Ben Carson is physically somewhere in Iowa. More importantly, at any given time, Ben Carson is mentally in a magical, Ben Carson-themed world where danger lurks around every corner.

What happened to Ben Carson’s campaign?

Ben Carson’s campaign is still going a lot stronger than I would have ever predicted. But what will ultimately sink it, god-willing, is the fact that Ben Carson has no idea what the hell he’s talking about.

What is Ben Carson doing now?

Ben Carson is touring Iowa and probably talking about brains somewhere.

Where did Ben Carson go to school?

Ben Carson completed his undergrad degree in psychology at Yale in 1973 and went on to get his M.D. from the University of Michigan in 1977.

Chris Christie

How long does Chris Christie have left in office?

Assuming every other candidate does not mysteriously die and Chris Christie does not become the President, he will mercifully end his term as governor of New Jersey in 2018.

What is Chris Christie’s net worth?

Chris Christie is sitting on about $4 million.

Is Chris Christie a Democrat?

Chris Christie is not a Democrat, although he did once support an assault weapons ban and currently supports drug law reform.

Where does Chris Christie live?

Much to Bruce Springsteen’s chagrin, Chris Christie lives in Jersey.

Where did Chris Chrstie go to school?

Much to the University of Delaware’s chagrin, Chris Christie goes to the University of Delaware.

Ted Cruz

Why was Ted Cruz born in Canada?

Ted Cruz was born in Canada while his parents, who had lived there for three years at the time, were working as engineers for an oil drilling company. Additionally, one might infer that Ted Cruz was also born in Canada because Ted Cruz loves maple syrup and hates America.

Where did Ted Cruz go to high school?

Ted Cruz attended the private Faith West Academy in Katy Texas and, later, the also-private Second Baptist High School in Houston, which was deeply unfortunate for the students of Second Baptist High School.

Will Ted Cruz get the nomination?

That does seem the most likely scenario right now, although a lot of that will depend on what happens in Iowa and New Hampshire. Either way, his odds are definitely better than anyone else—Trump notwithstanding.

When did Ted Cruz become a U.S. citizen?

Canadian man Ted Cruz is not a U.S. citizen and therefore cannot legally be president considering the fact that he is a Canadian citizen.

Will Ted Cruz win Iowa?

Maybe! Iowa seems like a pretty terrible place so I wouldn’t be at all surprised. (Editor’s note: The writer stands by this comment, which is a flip joke borne out of ignorance and youth.)

Carly Fiorina

How does Carly Fiorina feel about health care?

Despite recently calling for an end to Obamcare, Carly Fiorina—a cancer survivor—did once support mandatory health insurance. Weird how that changes! Currently, Fiorina is purporting to support replacing universal healthcare with “high-risk” state-managed pools for the particularly needy, an alternative that has proved to be almost objectively terrible for everyone involved.

Is Carly Fiorina a Democrat or a Republican?

Carly Fiorina is a Republican.

Which high school did Carly Fiorina attend in Ghana?

Carly Fiorina actually attended five high schools in total (her father’s job as a law professor apparently forced her family to move around quite a bit), one of which was the Ghana International School in—you guessed it—Ghana.

What is Carly Fiorina against?

Carly Fiorina is against running huge technology companies in ways that don’t destroy them, abortion, Hillary Clinton, and also facts.

Is Carly Fiorina a feminist?

To hear her say it, yes! To hear pretty much any other woman say it, no. No she is not.

Jim Gilmore

Why is Jim Gilmore still in the race?

Mostly, because he thinks every other candidate is an idiot. And god bless him for trying.

Who is Jim Gilmore?

Jim Gilmore asks himself that question every day of his life. He was also the governor of Virginia until 2002.

Is Jim Gilmore married?

Jim Gilmore is married to his wife of 29 years, Roxane Gatling Gilmore. I’m sure she’s great.

What does Jim Gilmore want to do?

In his own words, Jim Gilmore wants “the American people to know that I think that this is a grave time of danger for the United States.” I’d imagine that Jim Gilmore also wants to be President.

What does Jim Gilmore want to accomplish?

Don’t get smart with me.

Mike Huckabee

What does Mike Huckabee believe?

I’m glad you asked. Mike Huckabee actually, genuinely believes that the End of Days, as it’s laid out in the Bible, will indeed be occurring. And as far as Huck’s concerned, it could be any day now! As Ariel Levy wrote in The New Yorker a few years ago, “Huckabee believes that history will end and that the Rapture will come, but he doesn’t tie himself to a time line. ‘I was a lot more sure when I was eighteen!’ he said. ‘I thought it would be one heck of an end-of-the-world.’” Preach, brother.

Is Mike Huckabee married?

Yes, Mike Huckabee married Janet Hucakbee (née McCain) in 1974.

Is Mike Huckabee still a presidential candidate?

Unfortunately, yes.

Where is Mike Huckabee in the presidential polls?

According to Real Clear Politics, Huckabee is currently sitting in tenth place with 2.0 percent of the vote.

Where is Huckabee from?

Mike Huckabee is unsurprisingly from Arkansas.

John Kasich

Why would John Kasich be a good president?

He wouldn’t. Unfortunately for Ohio, Kasich was a terrible governor. He was responsible for stunting job growth, cutting school funding, and shuttering half of the state’s abortion clinics.

Who is John Kasich’s wife?

John Kasich used to be married to Mary Lee Griffith, but the two divorced in 1980. John Kasich later married Karen Kasich (née Waldbillig) in 1997. Karen kind of looks like she could be his daughter.

What religion is John Kasich?

Kasich was born Catholic but now identifies as a part of the Anglican church.

Is John Kasich a Democrat?

While John Kasich is most certainly a Republican, he is far more reasonable and/or liberal than most of his running mates in that he’s promoted the expansion of Medicaid under Obamacare in addition to being a vocal proponent of same-sex marriage.

How old is Kasich’s wife?

Karen Kasich is 51 years old. She looks great!

Rand Paul

Is Rand Paul running for president?

Yes. Next question.

How tall is Rand Paul?

Rand Paul claims to be 5' 8", but I would be willing to bet that Rand doesn’t stand a hair over 5' 6".

What does Rand Paul stand for?

Rand Paul is the “libertarian” pick, otherwise known as the Reddit candidate. He is a slightly (and unfortunately for us) less insane version of his father. But generally, Rand Paul stands for freedom and Bitcoin.

Is Rand Paul a Democrat

Rand Paul is not a Democrat, though he is arguably the most liberal of the bunch. In terms of foreign policy, he is staunchly opposed to intervention for intervention’s sake, supports marriage equality, and fucking loves guns.

How old is Rand Paul?

Rand Paul is 53 years old.

Marco Rubio

How old is Marco Rubio?

Marco Rubio is a youthful 44 years old.

What does Marco Rubio believe in?

Great question! Marco Rubio believes in making sure people like him as much as they possibly can. He’s gone back and forth on immigration reform, national security spending, and the Iraq war, just to name a few. He does, however, definitely hate both Obamacare and net neutrality.

How does Marco Rubio feel about guns?

Marco Rubio thinks that Obama wants to take away your guns and that gun control laws are effectively pointless.

Is Marco Rubio Hispanic?


How old is Marco Rubio’s wife?

Marco Rubio’s wife is 42 and this question is getting uncomfortable.

Rick Santorum

Who did Rick Santorum endorse?

Rick Santorum is still running for President so, himself.

How many kids does Rick Santorum have?

Rick Santorum has seven (!) kids.

What was Rick Santorum’s childhood like?

Rick Santorum’s grew up in an Italian family with parents who worked for the VA, so he spent a large portion of his childhood living in the dormitories of veterans hospitals.

Why does the media not like Rick Santorum?

The media doesn’t hate Rick Santorum. Rick Santorum just thinks the media hates Rick Santorum because it often embarrasses by him reporting the things that he says. So really, it would seem that Rick Santorum just hates Rick Santorum.

When did Rick Santorum start running?

Rick Santorum announced his (second) bid for president back in May.

Donald Trump

Why did Donald Trump walk?

A lot of reasons, really. Donald Trump didn’t do the debate because he didn’t like that Megyn Kelly asked him questions that made him look bad, he didn’t like that Fox News was backing her up, and he really didn’t like the idea of opening himself up to failure so soon before Iowa. Plus, he apparently tried to pull $5 million from Fox in exchange for showing up to the debate. Fox News declined.

Trump also skipped the debate because he is a whiny, narcissistic infant who has never had to face a single negative consequence for any of his horrible, loathsome actions.

What channel is Donald Trump on?

He was on CSPAN last night, though that probably doesn’t help you now. But you can watch it again here if you’re looking to self-flagellate.

Will Trump’s event be televised?

See above.

What did Megyn Kelly ask Donald Trump?

The question that really pissed off Donald Trump during the last debate Kelly moderated was this:

Your Twitter account has several disparaging comments about women’s looks. You once told a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. Does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president, and how will you answer the charge from Hillary Clinton, who was likely to be the Democratic nominee, that you are part of the war on women?

To which Trump responded with:

As well as:


Will Trump debate?

He did not. Instead, he chose to hold a massive, masturbatory display populated by veterans and idiot teens. In other words, we got the very first look at the future administration of our dear President Trump.

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