Which Female Morning Show Host Is Afraid of Her Own Poop?S

Over the weekend, Americans were shocked to discover that one of the women they trust to deliver their morning news has, for time unknown, been delivering something else, in secret: poops, to a toilet in a far flung part of her office where she thought no one would catch her.

On Monday, the internet shat itself with glee over a Daily Beast story (written by JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon's daughter) detailing the lengths women go to while pooping at work to trick people into thinking they’re not pooping at work. They flush prematurely to mask the deafening *PLOP* of a single, solid turd plunging into chilled toilet water. They lose years of their lives lingering in the bathroom, waiting for the other stalls to clear out that they might shit in peace. They embark on epic journeys to distant corners of the office, and lob their shadow poops into unfamiliar porcelain bowls.

Some of these women are famous.

A popular national morning TV show host in her 40s—who, like most others interviewed in this story, asked to remain nameless to avoid embarrassment—said that she walks 10 minutes to another section of her midtown office building to do it, and still then only does it when no one in the hallway sees her en route.

Who is the Phantom Pooper of morning news? We’ve rounded up the suspects who fit the description (female, national morning TV show host, in her 40s, works in Midtown, loves to poop). Here’s our analysis.


Which Female Morning Show Host Is Afraid of Her Own Poop?

Savannah Guthrie

Show that isn’t paying her to sit around and poop all day: Today
Age: 41
Evidence for phantom pooping: One of only two poop machines on the list never to have had children, depriving her of the desensitizing experience that is dealing with poop-based messes frequently in public (the other is Hoda Kotb); lots of female co-anchors and guests likely make for a crowded ladies’ room; scored first place on the Arizona bar exam in 2002 — probably indicative of an anal retentive attention to detail.
Evidence against: Although personable on screen, Guthrie projects an air of primness that makes it hard to believe she would chat with anyone, let alone a popular news website, about her bathroom habits; sharp legal mind makes it unlikely she would risk incriminating herself as a poop fanatic.


Which Female Morning Show Host Is Afraid of Her Own Poop?

Natalie Morales

Show that isn’t paying her to sit around and poop all day: Today
Age: 40
Evidence for phantom pooping: Third-hour cohost of Today (alongside weatherman Al Roker and animatron Willie Geist) isn’t exactly a position that commands respect — after being passed over for a promotion to lead co-anchor, pooping in private might be her last remaining dignity.
Evidence against: As an avid marathoner, would likely possess above average control over her bowels and be able to hold in poop until she were home (if she were so inclined); allegedly already took a dump on Matt Lauer’s marriage, so how many more does she have left?


Which Female Morning Show Host Is Afraid of Her Own Poop?

Lara Spencer

Show that isn’t paying her to sit around and poop all day: Good Morning America
Age: 43
Evidence for phantom pooping: Spencer’s home in Greenwich has four bathrooms for four people (two of whom are children), suggesting that bathroom privacy is of paramount importance to her life.
Evidence against: Brags a lot (a lot) about dumpster diving for home décor items, which suggests a certain lack of shame; bubbly demeanor makes her seem like kind of woman who would thrive on inter-stall chitchat.


Which Female Morning Show Host Is Afraid of Her Own Poop?

Gretchen Carlson

Show that isn’t paying her to sit around and poop all day: Fox & Friends
Age: 46
Evidence for phantom pooping: Bowels likely compelled to make frequent movements in order to keep pace with the shit coming out of her mouth.
Evidence against phantom pooping: Very little ladies' room competition on the largely male Fox & Friends set.


Which Female Morning Show Host Is Afraid of Her Own Poop?

Hoda Kotb

Show that isn’t paying her to sit around and poop all day: Today
Age: 48
Evidence for phantom pooping: Mean Girl colleague Kathie Lee Gifford would almost certainly confront her on-air about her pooping habits if she could ever be certain that Kotb had pooped in her presence; probably thought that giggling about bathroom habits to the Daily Beast sounded like a funny idea after a couple 10 a.m. glasses of wine (probably thinks it sounds less funny now); has worked at NBC in some capacity since 1998 and therefore likely has a firm grasp of 30 Rockefeller Center’s bathroom layout.
Evidence against: Very little. The Phantom Pooper is probably Hoda.


Which Female Morning Show Host Is Afraid of Her Own Poop?

Ann Curry

Show that wasn’t paying her to sit around and poop all day: Today
Age: 56
Evidence against: As she is no longer employed by The Today Show, these days Ann Curry is forced to poop in a wet box on the bad side of town. She’s also too old to fit the profile, but looks great for 56.


[Daily Beast // Images by Jim Cooke, source images via Getty and Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi]

To contact the author of this post, email caity@gawker.com