Illustration: Jim Cooke

Tuesday is the California primary, wherein Golden State voters will be asked to pick a replacement for long-beloved and mostly normal outgoing Senator Barbara Boxer. With the primary comes the Official Voter Information Guide and Candidate Statements, which is a perennially fun read, since California primary candidates are among our nation’s weirdest. (Starchild is one candidate for public office in California that only mid-aughts kids with an interest in municipal politics will remember.)

Voting in the primaries is not all fun and games, however! How, after all, does one choose between, say, Democrat Herbert G. Peters, whose political inspiration is Andrew Jackson and motto is “Manifest Destiny,” and Massie Munroe, Democrat and practitioner of Christ consciousness?

Fear not, Californian. There’s no need to feel as though you’re “throwing darts at a dart board.” We’re here to help.