I only want to get married once, and when I do, I hope it’s to one of the three Donald Trump supporters featured in this essential new video from CNN titled, “Going to College, Voting for Trump.” Please watch it below.
Which one of these first-time voters from Omaha, Nebraska, do I want to marry the most? All three are so enlightened and so muscle-shirted that it was hard to decide, but I did. Here are the Donald Trump bros, ranked.
3. Tate Moyer
Tate Moyer, an 18-year-old allegedly named Tate Moyer, is last on my list because he seems to lack confidence in his decision to vote for Trump. “It probably wouldn’t be wise to have the leader of our country calling other leaders losers,” he says.
Uhh, buddy? You are on CNN wearing a “USA” tank top. Now is not the time to reconsider.
Tate still wins the contest of having the smallest shirts.
2. Brody Buck
Brody Buck, a brunette who answers to “Brody Buck”, is a strong contender for who I want to marry the most because he is not afraid to speak his mind.
Why is he voting for Trump?
“In school we learned how America was great, you know, back in...back in awhile ago or whatever, and I kind of want to live through that as an 18-year-old,” he says.
1. Turner Eakins
Turner Eakins—that’s his name—is the Donald Trump bro I want to marry the most, because he respects women.
“I wouldn’t say that any of us are sexist,” he says.
Which Donald Trump bro do you think is the best?