Yale University quarterback Patrick Witt is "every inch the football hero," "a contender for the NFL draft," "the most accurate passer in Yale history." He is also very smart, with a 3.91 GPA and a shot at the Rhodes Scholarship.

And he is troubled.

For a terrible tragedy has befallen our statuesque hero of hard-bodied perfection: His Rhodes interview is on the same day as the Yale-Harvard football game.

Has ever a white boy suffered so much? Will Patrick Witt lead his team to victory, in the final game of his college career and most critical moment in a centuries-old rivalry between rich people? Or will he return to his hometown of Atlanta, to dazzle a panel of regional Rhodes judges, as is required to qualify for the most elite fellowship program in the English-speaking world?

Or will he quit everything, and run off to marry a female blogger who spends a significant portion of her life in sweatpants? Wait, Patrick, don't go. I can change. [The Daily Nightly, @Yale, @michelleruiz]