While promoting their upcoming blockbuster After Earth, Will Smith and Will Smith: Nano (Jaden Smith) gave a very bonkers interview to New York magazine in which they espoused wondrous theories of high level imagimathematics previously published only on the wrinkled insides of fast food takeout bags in a frantic, crayoned hand. “I think that there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation,” said Jaden. “I agree with that,” agreed Will with that.

Because content is easier to digest in the form of patterns and because (as we will soon discover), patterns play such an important role in the lives of the Pinkett-Smith family, here is the interview broken down by patterns:

1. The Pattern Pattern

Will: I’m a student of patterns. At heart, I’m a physicist. I look at everything in my life as trying to find the single equation, the theory of everything.

Based on the examples they provide in the interview, the Smiths’ definition of “a pattern,” would appear to consist of literally any object, concept, or behavior that exists or hypothetically could exist. The sun coming up: That’s a pattern. Best Actor Oscars going to people who portray the mentally ill or historical figures: That’s a BETTER pattern. Will and Jaden smith making two movies together: That’s a pattern. Will Smith working with his dad and Jaden Smith working with his dad: That’s a pattern. (Boom.)

Jaden: There’s definitely a theory to everything.
Will:
When you find things that are tried and true for millennia, you can bet that it’s going to happen tomorrow.
The sun coming up?
Will:
The sun coming up, but even a little more. Like for Best Actor Oscars. Almost 90 percent of the time, it’s mental illness and historical figures, right?
You and Jaden have acted in two movies together, including After Earth. Are you planning on a third?
Will:
If you were a student of the pattern, you’d have to say we’re going to do another one.
Jaden: [Points to his dad.] Like you worked in your family business with your dad. I’m just working in my family business with my dad. Patterns, boom.

2. The Concerned Case Worker Pattern

At times, the interview felt less like fun chat with Hollywood stars and more like a social worker delicately assessing two friendly schizophrenics. Here’s a sampling of her remarks:

I’ve read that you believe life can be understood through patterns.
Do you think there is a single theory to everything?
Do you see patterns too, Jaden?
Are both of you religious?
Seems like everyone’s excited about the idea that you might be religious.
How is it right now?
Is it true that you alphabetized your laser discs?

3. The Everyday Arithmancy Pattern

One of the most compelling aspects of the interview was the revelation of the Smiths' mystical, wonderful, complex, antagonistic, numberignatious, digititastic, counticopian relationship with numbers. Numbers are patterns and patterns are numbers and Will is at 6 and Jaden is at 6 and Jada is at 8.5, if you know what I’m saying.

Jaden: I think that there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation.
Will: I agree with that.
Jaden: It’s beyond mathematical. It’s, like, multidimensional mathematical, if you can sort of understand what I’m saying.

Will: Yeah, Jada [Pinkett Smith] has really powerful insights and opinions about everything.
You guys aren’t that way?
Jaden: If we’re at a six, she’s like at an eight and a half.

4. The Protective Parent Pattern

One example of Jada retroactively being at 8.5 sprang up when the discussion turned to Jaden filming an After Earth scene in a swamp infested with poisonous snakes. Will, at 6, felt the vague possibility of death by snakebite “was an authentic experience of actually being in Costa Rica.” If you've never been to a Costa Rican snakeswamp, have you really been to Costa Rica?

However, says Will, if Jada had been there, she probably would have been really INTENSE and super EIGHT POINT FIVE and said something like “I don’t want my 14-year-old son to film a movie scene in an area infested with poisonous snakes.”

Will: Yeah, if Mommy was there, that wouldn’t have gone down.

Later on, the interviewer brings up rumors that Jaden is dating Kardashian: The Next Generation Kylie Jenner, and asks Jaden if the Kardashians' view of fame differs from his own. To his credit, Will jumps in to prevent his son from having to rag on his possible-girlfriend’s family. But he deflects by saying something totally crazy? That makes no sense? That exists on an interstitial multidimensional mathematical plane where Smiths are at 9 and Kardashians are at 17 but 17 is a prime number and Calabasas is y but names are x if x is a non-prime number greater than *?

[Will, laughing, holds up his hand for Jaden not to speak.]

Will: [Mimicking] “So how do you think your life is similar or un-similar to people’s names in Calabasas?”

5. The Comprehension of the Intricacies of Global Finance 4 Kidz Pattern

Will is eager for his children to comprehend the intricacies of global finance.

Will: Yeah, you know, we met with ­Robert Kiyosaki, the author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and we’re trying to design a ­curriculum for children to understand even the basic connection between a bank and capitalism. I mean, I’m very serious with my kids about them comprehending the intricacies of global finance.

And Willow only shops at Target.

Will: [Jaden buys designer labels but] Willow only shops at Target.

The interview wraps up with a sweet account of how Will Smith is always trying to unlock life’s mysteries for Jaden when Jaden is just reeeeeally tryna go to the movies right now, Dad.

And Will does nothing to dispel the rumors that he and his wife are Scientologist swingers.