Will You White Crackers Please Stop Whining for the Love of God

The tragic shooting death of Trayvon Martin continues to be one of America's richest sources of tangentially-related arguments. The latest: Is "cracker" a "racial" term? The correct answer: Shut up, cracker.

In the trial of George Zimmerman, the Florida man accused of murdering Trayvon Martin, witness Rachel Jeantel testified that Martin told her that a "creepy-ass cracker" (Zimmerman) was following him shortly before he was killed. Under grilling from Zimmerman's attorney, Jeantel said that she did not think that "cracker" was a "racial" remark, or an offensive one, or, really, a big deal. Now, the question of whether or not "cracker" is "racial" is being reported on as an issue of great importance. As a born-and-raised Southerner— and a cracker— I feel qualified to offer some insight to those who may be confused by this thorny sociological quandary.

Is "cracker" a "racial" term? Yes, it means "white person." Therefore it is "racial."

Is "cracker" an offensive term? Well, let's put it this way: if you are the type of white person who is greatly offended by being called a "cracker," you can always take heart in the knowledge that the Confederacy went down fighting bravely. They'll never take that away from you, by god.

Is "cracker" a real live racial slur, just as despicable as all the other racial slurs? A racial slur? Sure, technically speaking. A real racial slur? Sadly, no. There are no good racial slurs for white people. Despite the fact that white Americans have committed far more atrocities against the other races of the world than all of those races combined have committed against white people, there is no one single slur in popular usage that can really cut a white person to their soft, marshmallowy core. It's tragic, really. A corollary of this fact is the fact that white people who complain loudly about "racial slurs" like "cracker" are "pussies."

Does the philosophical question of whether or not "cracker" is a "racial" term have any real bearing whatsoever on whether or not Trayvon Martin deserved to be shot and killed? No.

Hey, how come nobody makes a big deal when a black person says "cracker," but I lose all my endorsement deals just for calling black people.... Hold it right there, whitey. It boggles the mind to know that this question is still so fervently discussed in internet comment sections and in the stands of Ole Miss football games, and yet is one of the single most god damn ignorant questions that could ever be formulated by a white resident of the United States of America. The reason you're looking for, cracker, is "the history of the United States of America." Look it up. You can figure it out if you really, really try. I mean, lord almighty, you'd think that this whole discussion would have been laid to rest years ago just by Chris Rock routines alone, but no. Fucking whiny crackers will not stop whining like little babies no matter how fucking good they have it.

Shut up, nilla.

[Image via Shutterstock]