An extremely cool Minnesota teen was startled over the weekend to discover a wolf attempting to eat him alive (starting with his brain), while he was just doing his own thing on a chill, romantic camping trip with his girlfriend.
The Bemidji Pioneer reported that Noah Graham, who digs camping, chicks, and not being consumed head-first by a wolf—in that order—was lying in a tent near the banks of Lake Winnibigoshish talking to his girlfriend around 4:00 a.m. (cool time for a “rap session,” kids, haha, OK, be safe) when—what’s this!—a wolf appeared out of nowhere and commenced eating his head.
Graham said the wolf crept up silently and didn’t make a sound until it was on top of him.
A representative for the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources told the Duluth News Tribune that Graham’s first indication the wolf had clamped its jaws down on his head came when when the wolf clamped its jaws down on his head.
“His first indication was when he had its jaws clamped down on his head.”
Graham’s girlfriend fled to her Jeep at the moment of the attack, leaving her boyfriend to fight off a wolf with his bare hands. He did that—“I had to reach behind me and jerk my head out of its mouth," said Graham—and then screamed and kicked at it until it ran away, probably into its own, smaller Jeep. Two of Graham's friends who were also on the trip but had set up shop a little ways away “slept through” the entire bloody ordeal.
While the encounter does not appear to have affected Graham’s ability to transform from a human into a wolf (that ability remains: lacking), one thing it did give him was a 4.3 inch gash to the head that required 17 staples to close. He also suffered puncture wounds on the left and right sides of his face.
Wolf attacks on humans are a rare occurrence. According to the Tribune, there have only been two wolf-attack fatalities in the last decade in North America, a fact ABC News illustrated with this stunning image:
A wolf matching the description of the one that attacked Graham (“A WOLF”) was killed at the campground on Monday by Wildlife Services. That wolf was found to have a deformed jaw (ugly face), which officials believe may have made it difficult for the animal to hunt prey larger than the head of an extremely cool local teen.