Word Terrorism: Can LongReads and Artisanal Beards 'Scale'?

beard: Ancient arcane term for a gay person's pretend heterosexual partner. Since the legal establishment of gay marriage, refers exclusively to lovingly tended long whiskers worn by urban men working in offices.

#longread: Fashionable code for non-fiction writing of normal length conspicuously consumed in public. Usage: "While everyone else on the subway played Candy Crush, I was immersed in a fascinating #longread about paternalism in the artisanal ham industry."

artisanal: Ostentatious presentation of basic competence.

scale: Management jargon used as a verb to question an overpaid executive's lucky streak. Usage: "Anna Wintour finds more runway at Conde Nast in new role. Can her gifts scale?"

just sayin': Shorthand for "I have completed my bigoted statement." See also: #sorrynotsorry.

bless your heart: Antiquated southernism for "fuck you," now used exclusively by open-plan office workers who feel uncomfortable saying "fuck you."

We are terrorized by language every day! Word Terrorism fights back by revealing the true meanings behind America's most insidious words and phrases. Thanks to the Gawker newsroom and commenters Pam B and BrazilNut for this week's nominations.