Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off? - Gawker Comments

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

daddydada — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:40:36 EDT

I don't really care that Neal is exploiting his kid. I mean, western industrial economies were largely built upon foundations of cheap child labor. Why shouldn't the same be true of post-industrial economies. Baby-blog sweat shops are an inevitability of the logic of late capitalism. What really gets my panties in a bunch is Neal's claim to coolness. The dude has to invest in something other that Izods and polo shirts.

daddydada

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Mediahohoho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:18:13 EDT

@newyorkese: Golly, thanks for the correction. Let me just get back to making my tuna surprise casserole now, okay? And you go back to fellating yourself in a dark room.

Mediahohoho

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

TripMcCane — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 01:52:08 EDT

@HeyThereKiller: Har

TripMcCane

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

julienne — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:53:34 EDT

Dammit, where was the internets when my boys were toddlers? I could have posted the adorable stories that would bore the shit out of Grandma, like when Middle Son would take a dump outside on the patio rather than mess with all that bathroom stuff.

julienne

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

VenusCloacina — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 16:43:40 EDT

@newyorkese: Please tell me you aren't a gigantic asshat and that you knew it was spelled "capricolla".

Capicola. One l, no r.

Mr. Pollack, on the other hand, is a gabba-gabba-ghoul, to paraphrase the Ramones.

VenusCloacina

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

newyorkese — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 16:24:56 EDT

@MEDIAHOHOHO. Please tell me you aren't a gigantic asshat and that you knew it was spelled "capricolla". Otherwise, I'll know you are a midwestern housewife who gets all her info about Italians from The Sopranos.

newyorkese

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Ed — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 14:41:37 EDT

Fiction Elijah: Father, this cheese has hoi polloi written all over it. Get it away from me at once.

Real Elijah: Daddy, make me a grilled Velveeta sammich!

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Trampoline — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 14:34:49 EDT

@VenusCloacina: I'm not calling you a liar, but there's no way tofu bacon could smell better than real bacon. Nothing on earth smells better than real bacon. Liar.

Trampoline

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Sargasm — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 14:32:13 EDT

@shesaidwhat:
More adorable Halloween stories please!

Sargasm

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

DorothyMantooth — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 14:24:05 EDT

@shesaidwhat: I'm imagining that the boy's voice sounded like George Hamilton's in Love At First Bite. And that he called you Renfield! And I cannot. stop. laughing.

DorothyMantooth

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

jack-of-all-trades — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 14:14:29 EDT

So, we know that NP is not only a bad father, but apparently he's too cheap to spring for prosciutto.

jack-of-all-trades

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

shesaidwhat — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 14:06:09 EDT

@VenusCloacina: Our favorite trick-or-treater was a boy about six or seven years old who made his dad wait at the end of the driveway so he could come to the door by himself. When we answered the bell he announced very dramatically: "I'm Dracula from Roosevelt Street!"

This time of year we often think of Dracula from Roosevelt Street. We wonder how he's doing. And we wait, hoping he'll darken our doorway again.

shesaidwhat

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

fileunder — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:49:38 EDT

@shesaidwhat: epispurious?

fileunder

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

VenusCloacina — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:23:44 EDT

@shesaidwhat: The Fark people are really showing their true colors over this. And those true colors are dusty Grandma pastels. Their "Oh, heavens, they're mocking little kids" clucking is now indistinguishable from the chatter you'd overhear in a nursing-home hair salon.

VenusCloacina

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

VenusCloacina — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:22:01 EDT

My nephew (roughly Elijah's age) was eating tofu bacon when I was at his house last week, and that shit smelled REALLY good. Better than actual bacon. It was like some kind of quintessence of baconosity had been sprayed all over the slabs of soy.

Then he modeled his Halloween costume for us. He's going as a bat; when I pretended to be afraid, he said, "No, no, this is a NICE bat."

Now, I think this is a cute anecdote, and I share it with you, my fellow Gawker commenters, because I want you to know I have another setting other than the "nauseated rage" one.

But I'm not trying to parlay that into an "AlternaAunt" media empire. Because, like bacon, too much of that shit makes you sick.

VenusCloacina

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

HappyHollister — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:19:39 EDT

@dickdogfood: Here's the bright side: Sean Preston can play Elijah in the movie. Hey, somebody in that family has to work.

HappyHollister

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

shesaidwhat — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:19:17 EDT

A commenter named deadpanwalking informed farkers that:

I've talked with Neal Pollack on several occasions and I can assure you that all of these things about his kid, as is the case with pretty much everything he writes, is in jest. ...He doesn't actually do the things he writes about. The things he writes are stories, and even though they're in the style of memoire, none of it ever happened. In some cases it's parody and in others it's satire ...

Okay assuming this is true and he is writing, um, parody and satire.*
(Jon Lovitz voice): Yeah, that's the ticket!
Then why can't he "invent" something that isn't so utterly boring.

*If this is true then he's really quite the master of the unrealiable narrator since he stays in the voice of his parodic alternadouche character even when writing emails to his friends and family.

shesaidwhat

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

City_Dater — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:17:44 EDT

@KarenUhOh:

I think this is pretty much guaranteed -- and he'll be costing them a mint, with a five days a week therapy habit. Not to mention all that bacon and cheese.

City_Dater

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

DorothyMantooth — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:17:05 EDT

"Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon.
Call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'."

(Where's my girl Concerned Citizen?)

DorothyMantooth

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

KarenUhOh — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:14:14 EDT

@KarenUhOh: And never, ever want to eat anything but Velveeta.

For this, Lord, we pray.

KarenUhOh

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

MissBehavior — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:06:25 EDT

I mistakenly read it as: "I swore that I wouldn't mine this tripe for blog material."
Thought ol' NP was getting a hint of self-awareness. But no.

MissBehavior

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

shesaidwhat — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:01:55 EDT

@sheistolerable: Do you think Elijah would be eating plastic sealed Oscar Meyer bacon any more than he'd eat Kraft American cheese? Naturally it was a very special bacon that was hickory smoked in a secret recipe known only to a few Native Americans members of the Cayuga Nation, made from hogs raised watching Baby Einstein videos, and wrapped in hand-made hemp and linen paper.

shesaidwhat

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Dickdogfood — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:00:31 EDT

WAIT A COTTON-PICKING MINUTE HERE. Somehow it's escaped me that Alternadad is in development as a motion picture: [www.nealpollack.com]

Neal, you have no shame.

Dickdogfood

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

KarenUhOh — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:52:26 EDT

I'm ambivalent about the whole God deal, so here's Your chance: make this kid grow up to be 550 pounds and live with his parents until he's 45.

KarenUhOh

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

VoxPopuli — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:46:35 EDT

Actually, it was quite a feat for little Elijah to be able to smell the bacon considering how much his dad reeks of desperation.

VoxPopuli

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

ElijahPollack — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:45:12 EDT

@Carol Gardens: Um, it was Tofu bacon... And we live in California, so it was a Trader Joe's.

ElijahPollack

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Carol Gardens — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:43:29 EDT

How could this be MORE annoying? Someone could be blogging about his kid sniffing the tofu bacon at the Park Slope coop.

Carol Gardens

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Debussy Fields — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:35:39 EDT

Wait a second. How does he know which side is the front and which side is the back?

Debussy Fields

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

HappyHollister — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:34:04 EDT

@sheistolerable: Elijah appears to be part golden retriever. Look at the photo.

HappyHollister

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

ElijahPollack — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:32:43 EDT

Err, I meant @collegecallgirl: .

ElijahPollack

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

ElijahPollack — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:32:17 EDT

@HappyHollister: That's when Daddy decided to teach me about wine.

ElijahPollack

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

sheistolerable — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:30:00 EDT

Why has no one commented that raw bacon doesn't have a smell? I mean, it doesn't, right? I don't encounter a lot of raw meat because I'm too lazy/squeamish to cook it, but I don't think anyone's precocious enough to smell raw bacon through plastic.

sheistolerable

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

HappyHollister — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:25:12 EDT

@ElijahPollack: Elijah, I'm sure you meant to say you're a veritable FONDUE of material.

HappyHollister

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

collegecallgirl — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:24:16 EDT

You know Elijah tried sniffing a lot of other stuff before they got to bacon. "How about this, Daddy? It is funny enough when I sniff the bagged salad? How about these frozen waffles?" They didn't get to bacon until Elijah was sitting on the floor in the produce aisle sobbing and promising to be better at being amusingly quirky for Daddy's blog.

collegecallgirl

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

BreeKilledGeorge — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:16:16 EDT

oh we're all just so jealous

BreeKilledGeorge

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Mediahohoho — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:13:22 EDT

Later, Elijah will open a package of gabba-ghoul, sniff it and proceed to have a panic attack that starts a whole, unfortunate sequence of events that ends, as all tragedies must, in a Journey song.

Mediahohoho

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

ElijahPollack — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:12:05 EDT

What can I say? I'm a veritable fountain of material.

ElijahPollack

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Mediahohoho — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:09:33 EDT

Sure, it starts with bacon, and then you're moving on to the harder stuff. Your loins, the occasional roast, maybe a giant prosciutto. Before you know it, your nose is buried deep in some pig's ass. All because your old man thought it'd be cute to blog about your harmless little cheese habit.

Well who's laughing now, dad? Huh, who's laughing now?!!1!1!

Mediahohoho

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

jazzy — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:08:25 EDT

I was trying to think of something more banal than those last two sentences.

I couldn't do it. I'm stumped.

jazzy

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

HeyThereKiller — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:07:57 EDT

@Aatom:

doing lines of blowhard?

HeyThereKiller

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

C.H. Sanson — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:06:45 EDT

I let my kid eat raw bacon in the checkout line.

C.H. Sanson

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Aatom — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:05:26 EDT

whatever, when he starts sniffing bacon off of the boy's stomach, then I'll be impressed.

Aatom

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

tammyfey — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:04:30 EDT

@cyanidecygnet: Eww, I know! I read this the same way. Spicy Pollack sex? DO NOT WANT!

tammyfey

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

gawkimo — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:03:11 EDT

Why hasn't anyone else thought about blobbing with their little miracles do? Somebody go tell the Park Slope mommies about this!

gawkimo

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

SharonTaint — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:02:15 EDT

it took me forever to respond to this because i fell into a coma from boredom.

SharonTaint

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

relunctant entity — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:00:40 EDT

@SinisterRouge: Yeah, that's definitely one of the highlights. "If daddy can't write about you, daddy can't talk to you."

OK, I'm sure he didn't do that. It just . . . . really . . . kinda . . . sounds like he did.

I don't think that writing about your own children is by any means a terrible or unpardonable thing, but the Elijah Report is a bit of a strain.

relunctant entity

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

KarenUhOh — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:59:16 EDT

I had a yogurt, an apple, oatmeal and a Pop-Tart for breakfast this morning, and I signed a 4-book deal with Knopf.

KarenUhOh

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Slackferno — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:58:58 EDT

Shall we all send Bacon Band-aids to Neal for the boo-boo on his ego?

And should a kid named Elijah be whiffing the unclean flesh?

Slackferno

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

lawyergay — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:56:55 EDT

OMG..."I swore that I wouldn't mine this trip for blog material," writes Neal Pollack, while mining that trip for blog material.

lawyergay

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

TheHonJudgeSmails — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:55:10 EDT

The post goes on:

>> At some point, I looked up at Elijah. He was rubbing ham over his lips.

>>"Elijah," Regina said. "Don't do that. You just got out of the bath."

>>"But I want to smell like ham all night!" Elijah said.

Your dad REEKS of ham, Elijah. Like father, like son.

TheHonJudgeSmails

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Chaim Gnadelstein — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:53:19 EDT

Do they live in a fucking grocery store?

Chaim Gnadelstein

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

josh speed — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:52:59 EDT

My friend just came back from Barcelona and said she overheard some pretentious 4-6 year-old 'recommending' wines ('Ooh Daddy: how about a nice big bouncy burgundy?') to their father in the street. Cut from the same imported grocer's bag?

josh speed

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

tuffgirl — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:52:34 EDT

My kid farted this morning. Thought you all should know that.

tuffgirl

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

ediebeale — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:52:18 EDT

All I got from this was "I am not going to talk to my child, because I cannot talk to him without blogging about it." That'll be, what #8 on the Elijah Pollack Therapy Top 10?

ediebeale

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Some of My Best Friends Are People — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:51:46 EDT

This kid will kill his dad when he comes of age, like bad, evil cheese.

Some of My Best Friends Are People

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

HeyThereKiller — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:50:33 EDT

"My mind was somewhere far away, in a place full of waterfalls and self-pity"

So... the catskills?

HeyThereKiller

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

BadUncle — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:45:49 EDT

Everything smells better with bacon. It makes a great hand wipe, too.

BadUncle

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

scroll_lock — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:45:43 EDT

I'm smelling the back of Gawker's website now. mmmmmmmmmmm.

scroll_lock

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

SinisterRouge — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:45:12 EDT

@relunctantentity: Regarding the minimal exchanges....WTF does that even mean? Since he got bitch-slapped about using his kid for material he can't even have exchanges with him?

Neal,
Dude. Stop USING your kid. But you should still talk (or 'exchange' with) to him. Jesus. You're a fucking idiot.

SinisterRouge

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

City_Dater — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:45:06 EDT

And yet Britney Spears is the one losing custody of her kids.

He won't talk to his kid in the grocery store for fear he might be tempted to mine the conversation for material?! I have dry heaves right now that all the bacon in the world won't help.

City_Dater

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Sarcastro — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:45:01 EDT

Quick to the point/to the point no fakin'/cookin' MCs like a pound of (child-sniffed) bacon.

Sarcastro

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Ed — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:44:27 EDT

That would have been far more interesting had Elijah inhaling gasoline fumes while his father pumped and saying how nice it smelled. Interesting not because it's unique (so many kids do that) but the tailspin it would have sent his dad into.

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

janesays — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:44:13 EDT

@relunctantentity: ha ha brilliant

janesays

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

janesays — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:42:47 EDT

@Cesare_the_Somnambulist: Don't you mean beer-soaked or scotch-soaked?

janesays

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

shanghaibaby — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:42:31 EDT

Wow. His writing makes Chris Crocker seem eloquent.

shanghaibaby

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

relunctant entity — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:42:11 EDT

I decided to remix this:

Our dinner was too spicy for Elijah.

So we let him smell the back of the bacon box, in his room, while we ate our spicy dinner. When we finished, he told us that the back of the box smelled better.

My exchanges with Elijah were minimal. I swore that I wouldn't mine this trip for blog material. Enough already, I heard Regina's voice echo in my skull.

Later, the boy could eat ham.

relunctant entity

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

cyanidecygnet — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:41:18 EDT

wait. why exactly was their dinner too spicy for "the boy"? (or, garcon if you prefer) did they buy some cajun spices i didn't catch? or was this a reference to pollack sex?

yours,
confused and eating bacon to help

cyanidecygnet

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

mindbling — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:40:17 EDT

Neal, thank you! I am at deadline, and I was stumped. Now, I am going to turn in my gripping Charmin squeezing story to my editor. I smell Pulitzer, that's what I smell!

mindbling

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

thebomb — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:39:44 EDT

My kid wants to wear a "zucchini" to the pool. Do I have what it takes to make it big in the blogs?

thebomb

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

karion — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:39:34 EDT

Huh. I would have figured Elijah as more of a pancetta kid.

karion

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

BalknChain — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:38:58 EDT

Really, Elijah bringing home the bacon says it all right?

BalknChain

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Sarcastro — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:38:30 EDT

@Koreanish: Or he could smother Elijah to death in mounds of fine-smellin' bacon. Birds, two. Stone, one.

Sarcastro

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

gonzosmom — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:37:54 EDT

@Cesare_the_Somnambulist:

Can I haz cheezeburger smell, puleez?

gonzosmom

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Koreanish — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:37:32 EDT

Doesn't he know that whole nonfiction writing old-school rule of not writing about people while they're alive?

He might want to think about it.

Koreanish

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Goodbye, Commenters! — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:37:31 EDT

When I was a kid, we had to smell scrapple.

Goodbye, Commenters!

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

gonzosmom — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:37:01 EDT

@LolCait:

Indeed he did.

However, the greater sin is that it's positively BORING!

If he ever had a job in the business world, he would be destined for a life of middle management.

gonzosmom

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Goodbye, Commenters! — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:36:59 EDT

Attention Gawker Media:
Before he leaves, there's still time to launch BALK: The Fragrance.
Honey Maple Glazed or Hickory Smoked?

Goodbye, Commenters!

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

ellagood — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:34:43 EDT

please, neal. no dispatches from potty training, k?

ellagood

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

LolCait — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:33:14 EDT

I'm sorry, did he just write something about his kid smelling bacon?

LolCait

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

antisocialite — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:32:50 EDT

I smell bacon packages too. I just don't write about it. Well ... until now --urk! Ack! Damn.

antisocialite

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

Sarcastro — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:32:40 EDT

Smell the bacon? I say, "Smell the glove."

Sarcastro

Will Elijah Pollack Ever Get A Day Off?

SinisterRouge — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:29:55 EDT

D'oh! This douche just can't help himself. The kid was smelling bacon...could he think of something less exciting to blog about with regards to your kid? My cat sniffs his own ass.

SinisterRouge