This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works - Gawker Comments

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Tattertotter — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:24:15 EDT

Thank you so much for printing this! My daughter just asked me where babies come from (she's 11!) and now all I have to do is let her read Mr. Janka's very helpful description of how sex will be if she's a very good girl. Whew, this is gonna save me a lot of embarrassing face-time with my little doll!

Tattertotter

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SkepticTank — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:16:36 EDT

He lost me at the third sentence. And yet he's still made the case for complete and total celibacy.

Now, that's talent.

SkepticTank

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Carol Gardens — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 18:36:34 EST

Reading this thread has been a fabulous way to spend a Sunday evening. Furious George, I will be your "follower" from now on! (Coincidentally, I saw Mary Harron in a sushi restaurant last night.)

Carol Gardens

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Cthulhah Bankhead — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 15:43:15 EST

@DorothyMantooth: Oh my GOD you're right. I was wondering why I felt such instant adoration for him, and it's totally the Kif resemblance.

Cthulhah Bankhead

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Cthulhah Bankhead — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 15:36:47 EST

@GraniteInMyVeins: As a Hunter student, his address makes me nervous indeed!

Cthulhah Bankhead

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Cthulhah Bankhead — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 15:35:07 EST

@Kataroo_Kangaroo:
"2. Sticky is not a sexy word. Ever."
See also: undies, semi-erect.

Cthulhah Bankhead

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

LaPretentieuse — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 11:04:38 EST

Purple head

All in my sternum

Lately things, well, it seems they're burning

Acting foamy, and I don't why

Scuse me, while I piss and cry.

LaPretentieuse

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

felion — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 23:17:08 EST

"You knock on the door and the door would swing inward with a loud squeeking sound. As you look for me, a high-pitched voice calls out "NORMAN, IS THAT YOU? My knife is at a 45 degree angle pointing downward at your torso. You feel the blade penetrate your flesh, and the blood flows freely..."

felion

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Obviously Not Omniscient — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 18:50:11 EST

@In Which Weekend Links Grow Old With You on This Recording: How did a spammer get Gawker commenting privileges? I feel less special now.

Obviously Not Omniscient

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

jbk — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 18:44:43 EST

This is actually part of the script from the Sex and the City movie. Looks like Samantha is role playing with Smith again.

jbk

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Trackback — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 17:04:13 EST

Roid Up The Usual Links by Alex Carnevale It’s pretty interesting what baseball did. They had no cause to prosecute any of their players who took steroids, and yet it was obvious to plenty of people that it was widespread behavior, and that certain individuals could have provably said to...

Trackback

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Flashman — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 16:13:03 EST

Awesome! There's my annual Christmas letter taken care of.
Thanks Paul!

Flashman

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Stark_pigeon — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:16:13 EST

Is it balk's cock or his cock he's talking about here?

Stark_pigeon

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Calaverius — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:03:24 EST

"purple head?"

Like boning down with Grimace.

Calaverius

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

TopherMcGillacuddy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 12:36:03 EST

isn't this what the 7-year old show tune singing mo-mo on the Today show whispered into Ann Curry's ear before he belted out "Let it Snow"?

TopherMcGillacuddy

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Pope John Peeps II — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 12:28:52 EST

@herPez Hilton: Um. You probably shouldn't brag about all the great gay random sex with a name like "Herpez" Hilton.

Pope John Peeps II

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Koreanish — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 11:23:20 EST

Wait. Did he put a COPYRIGHT on that?

Koreanish

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

herPez Hilton — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 08:55:00 EST

This is why gay guys are so much better at this. It's just "You wanna get fucked? C'mon over, the door's open." Gay guys would be washing up and heading out to grab post-coital meal while this douche was still thumbing through his thesaurus looking for creative ways to write how his trick would enter his building. "A buzz would let you in"? Ugh... thank god he's pretty.

herPez Hilton

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

apologize_without_saying_sorry — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 02:40:50 EST

A few points for Monsieur Janka:

1) When an aroused lady's jeans begin to feel "snug against [her] crotch", it generally means that she is not, in fact, biologically a lady.

2) Although I personally am strongly opposed to beastiality, it is suggested that anyone who finds themselves so drawn to "saliva strands dang[ling] to floor [sic]" should investigate the curious salivation capabilities of the llama and the camel. Wikipedia, Janka, baby.

3) When vaginal lips show signs of being "swollen and tender" a yeast infection could be present -- extremely vigorous and frequent intercourse could also create this phenomenon so touted in your passage. Tasty.

4) It could be said that your statement "wanting my cock to reach inside of you"implies that your previously mentioned "hard glistening cock" is lacking in length. The average vagina is about 3 to 4/1/2 inches deep..."Must Be This Tall To Ride"?

Dear, sweet Janka...you have so much to learn, and so little time -- a receding hairline is in your near future.

apologize_without_saying_sorry

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

EnviousJuno — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 02:20:41 EST

If I'm still so dry after fellatio and masturbation that the guy has to spit on his own dick to penetrate me, I don't recommend him to my friends.

EnviousJuno

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

missdelite — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 02:04:53 EST

What--no kissing???
Or does he save that for animals & small children?

Yeah,I went there!
He's THAT GUY with the stash of kiddie porn b/c women are just too complicated!

missdelite

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

suzyO — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:22:46 EST

what IS WITH the gawker cache? everything takes 4ever! i can pump my nubbin and come back before the page loads again.

(heh, he, i said loads.)

suzyO

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

suzyO — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:20:43 EST

@hotcheetos: a plumped nubbin rubbin can be downright distracting, as it is distracting at best, and almost painful a bit down the nubbin rubbin scale from at best.

plus, it can itch and burn. FYI.

suzyO

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

hotcheetos — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:57:58 EST

I once had to call a clitoris a "plumped nubbin" as the narrator of a very trashy novel-on-tape. I had a really hard time getting through a take without cracking up, and the sound engineer kept losing his shit, too.

I think this dude might have ghost-written that novel; it sounds suspiciously like the sticky, foamy, swollen voice of one "Jayne Ann Krentz."

hotcheetos

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Obviously Not Omniscient — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:41:34 EST

@mattychicago: After I distract you with my glow-in-the-dark vibrator, you start tersely speaking in some rare numero-symbolic dialect. I grab your prized Cubs cap and leave, but you never even notice.

Obviously Not Omniscient

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

levigreenwood — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:02:42 EST

I've had to revise my list of ways to tell if a woman likes you:
1) laughs at jokes
2) touches arm
3) holds gaze for extended period
4) anus winks approvingly

How to tell if she's not interested:
1) anus winks with disapproval

levigreenwood

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

mattychicago — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 22:52:53 EST

@theobviouschild: ?#@43?

mattychicago

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

suzyO — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 22:36:40 EST

@Cesare_the_Somnambulist: a six-pack will do. any old beer - cans are o.k. do you have any coke? i do teh cokez at least once every 3 years. you'll know that it could be comet for all i know; i'll just get off on the thrill of it all. i just get off on thrills. i'd rather you come to my place; the outside world frightens me. it's really dirty and stuff ... but i have a yard, and we will shoot off M-80's and grill some steaks. it's the fourth of july, baby. i'll play that X song so many times that your eyes will glaze over.

okayz. so, on teh wayz, you will think of coke, and teh beer in cans, and M80's. you'll imagine a weber grill, lonely in the cold dark night. you'll feel a charge, a harkening of your long-lost youth - romance and wildness and a grill in the dark.

you'll alight the crooked steps to my garden apartment; carefully, carefully, the steps are crooked, and misaligned. you'll fall almost flat on your face, but your body will be braced as your head hits the cement of the corner turn. your twisted ankle will not bother you - the creaking of the aluminum storm door will remind you of the grill; of the juxtaposition between the dark wintry night and the summer activity, and the dirt, and of me. i will have been stewing in my own secretion juices as i await your fall. down the steps. down the hatch.

we'll sit down at the 6 foot table that my landlord left in the kitchen. we'll do the coke, and then i'll start to talk. and i'll talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. i'll drink all of the beer, and i'll send you out for more.

i'll insist on wrapping your ankle in a dirty ace bandage that i keep under the bathroom sink, next to the toilet bowl brush. you'll resist; we'll argue. we'll laugh.

i'll bring the naval jelly from under the kitchen sink. we'll talk about sinks - for no reason, other than that they be sinks.

you'll suggest the bedroom; i'll ignore you. you'll go into the bedroom, and turn on the television. i'll join you, in a bit, and you'll ask me to turn the music down.

your turgid manhood will taunt you. i'll toss you the jelly. we'll make all manner of preparation for the doing of the thing. i'll leave, again, to get another beer.

we will commence the doing of it. you will forget all that has come before, and all that will be.

i will pass out mid-coitus.

in the morning, you will not be gone. we will not be able to get out of bed until 5:30 p.m.

you will leave, into the glorious winter night.

we will never see one another again, but we will always have greenpoint.

suzyO

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

marvel girl — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 22:12:57 EST

Oh yeah, love the feeling of a snug denim crotch... And umm, why is she foaming @ the mouth?

marvel girl

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Obviously Not Omniscient — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 21:38:10 EST

@mattychicago: The Cubs lose, and you start researching housing costs and employment opportunities in Boston. I distract your internet pursuits with my glow-in-the-dark vibrator.

Obviously Not Omniscient

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

mattychicago — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 21:01:33 EST

we have intercourse as i think about someone else. then i realize the cubs game is on and have to go.

mattychicago

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

sallybrown — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 19:35:58 EST

Is this a page out of his SAT tutorial for reading comprehension?

"It can be inferred that the author of this passage is a creepy douchebag because...."

The copyright symbol at the bottom suggests that this lovely missive was planted by the wanker himself to prolong his 15 minutes.

sallybrown

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

youwantedahero — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 19:32:49 EST

@The Real JR: Yeah, I pretty much thought EXACTLY the same thing... hello Bret Easton Ellis! Except I was thinking of that scene in Glamorama, you know, the threesome one...

youwantedahero

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Rooo sez BISH PLZ — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 19:10:21 EST

Nausea.

That is all.

Rooo sez BISH PLZ

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 18:48:17 EST

@Truculent: My cover is blown!

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Truculent — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 18:40:51 EST

Furious George: You really have a talent for this kind of writing. Maybe too much talent, Mr. George? Of should I say, Mr. Janka?

Truculent

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

epiclady — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 18:38:33 EST

Mr. Casanova is clearly not aware that, in his quest to be churning out poor drugstore-novel material, using the word 'undies' negates any possibility for eroticism in his work.

...and he would "allow" me to play with myself? How does that go? "Geez, I can see your hands are constantly going for your crotch, I...I guess, yeah, sure, you can do that. You can play with yourself. I give you permission."

Try again, Don Juan.

epiclady

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 18:06:22 EST

@Furious_George: I'd say more like brown with auburn highlights. Check my comment in the Commies post. No Commie, but apparently no shame, either.

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:56:12 EST

@Hez: Wow. Ummm. Are you a redhead? Trying to figure it out from your photo and all. If so, perhaps we should give 'em something to fan fiction about, if you catch my meaning.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

cassandra — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:48:34 EST

@Queen of the Passive Aggressives: dick catapult! ha!@mathnet: awesome.

Regarding Janka: Is trying too hard the new playing it cool?

cassandra

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:48:15 EST

@collegecallgirl: As long as it's not wearing too much guyliner. Emo ass is like, so over.

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

WhatsMyNameAgain — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:47:42 EST

I think he's one of the old guys that IMs me on gay.com

WhatsMyNameAgain

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

collegecallgirl — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:42:16 EST

My asshole has more of a mischevious wink.

collegecallgirl

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

virgilicious — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:36:05 EST

your asshole winks at me approvingly, and offers my partially erect member a pepperidge farm mint milano.
-Wanna go fishing?
-What did you say, asshole?
-Ha. good one. seriously, though.

We sit on the dock, framed by the setting sun, a string of silverbellied trout beside us, covered in foam from your greedy whore-mouth. On the way home, your sweet, moist, pink pussy finds a family of raccoons.

virgilicious

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:30:02 EST

I think he should just cut right to the chase and nail this doucheifesto to the door of that hellmouth at 68th and Madison.

PS: Furious George, I bestow unto you my eternal bloglove.

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

WantToTouchtheWahine — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:29:27 EST

@Kataroo_Kangaroo: Neither is "undies".

WantToTouchtheWahine

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Obviously Not Omniscient — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:29:22 EST

@LolCait: The detective who's first on the scene says, "Holy shit! This is just like that episode of Law & Order:SVU!"

Obviously Not Omniscient

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

pinkstarmoon — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:28:31 EST

@newyorkwannabe: You are so right. Is it bad that I understand this reference?

pinkstarmoon

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

LolCait — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:27:22 EST

You walk into my apartment. I am dead. You call the police.

LolCait

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

hhpeterson13 — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:26:17 EST

I can't wait 'til this guy moves back to Columbus. It can't be too terribly long now.

hhpeterson13

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

karion — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:26:12 EST

@nonethewiser:

Along those lines......

You lie paralyzed on the bed while I furiously rub your clitoris, as if I were trying to dislodge it from your body and store it in my hope chest. I am inches from it, of course, but your mind is elsewhere, wondering whether, at this very moment, you have been buried alive and trapped, not unlike Kiefer Sutherland in The Vanishing. You remember the lighter trick and set my hair on fire, which lets me know that I have really lit your fire.

karion

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Pope John Peeps II — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:23:03 EST

@EvidenceOfAbsence: Oh good old Dildo. Author of "Up There and Back Again".

(WARNING: I'M DESCENDING SLOWLY INTO NERD)

Pope John Peeps II

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:22:53 EST

@LolCait: You finish making small talk with your fiance's parents and then make your way into the den. You see me, decked out in a blonde wig, water baloons stuffed into my top to give me the illusion of boisterous cleavage. I've just defeated my brother-in-law at ping pong.

"So whoth next?" I ask you, coyly but seductively, in an off-putting Harvey Fierstein voice.

"I suppose I am," you say as you approach the table.

My lipstick is smeared on my teeth, and my erection is pitching the front of my cocktail dress into a come-hither arrow.

"Men alwayth theem to wonder about me," I begin in a low whisper. "They think I'd be thomthing thspethial."

"Well, are you?" you ask.

"Well, no oneth ever athked for their money back!"

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

hhpeterson13 — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:21:43 EST

@Furious_George: Oh God. You had me at Toto. Georgy Peorgy is brilliant, by the way.

hhpeterson13

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

hhpeterson13 — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:20:12 EST

@Choire: I finally get why you're leaving.

hhpeterson13

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Obviously Not Omniscient — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:17:47 EST

@Furious_George: I'm sure that your grasp on reality is very firm.

Obviously Not Omniscient

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

EvidenceOfAbsence — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:17:14 EST

@Pope John Peeps II: You know how people like to dispose of books by putting them in a box labeled "free," and leaving them on their stoop? And you know how geeky, bookwormy kids are kind of curious? And like Lord of the Rings?

Boy was my mom steamed when I started telling her about this cool story I was reading, about a guy named Dildo Baggins.

EvidenceOfAbsence

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:15:59 EST

@theobviouschild: If you'll excuse me for 30 seconds, I think I need to, ummm, adjust my trousers.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Pope John Peeps II — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:15:22 EST

@Furious_George: So the song he's killing you with is Toto's "Africa"?

Pope John Peeps II

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:14:33 EST

@LolCait: Jesus, it's like you've just opened a window to my soul. It's like you found my letters, and read each one aloud.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Pope John Peeps II — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:13:46 EST

@LolCait: Well you're cheating! Now you're just posting the results of your "New York-style Playwriting" classes.

Pope John Peeps II

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Obviously Not Omniscient — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:12:41 EST

@Furious_George:

She knew that George had just gotten home from two months in rehab for his lifelong sexual addiction. But that didn't stop her from strip-searching him the moment he crossed the erotically pulsating threshold of her apartment.

His Old Navy khakis were camouflaging an erection the girth and length of which she had never seen before.

"Do you respond this way to everyone, or is it just me?" she coyly inquired.

"Only women who truly grasp the deeper meaning of my esoteric porn journals", he honestly replied.

Gently yet forcefully, he threw her down on the Indigo Girls commemorative poncho that was draped over her living room sofa. Delicately and deliberately, he peeled off her thin gauze dress.

Thrusting himself inside her with wild abandon, he didn't even care when she called him by his character's name every single time she had an orgasm. Her tentative grasp on reality closely mirrored his own.

Obviously Not Omniscient

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

LolCait — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:11:34 EST

You enter my apartment. We sit, chat for a while. I keep making us vodka tonics and we get a little more drunk. During a lull in conversation, I turn on the television. We watch in silence for a while, flipping through the channels. We are watching some movie and a sex scene comes on. It is very awkward. Thank god we're getting a little drunk. I make us a few more drinks, each time sitting back on the couch a little closer to you. You begin brushing your hand on my leg. After a while we make a sudden, lurching reach towards each other. We make out for a little while and then stumble to the bed. We make sweet, passionate love for three minutes. We light cigarettes. I fall asleep with my cigarette still in my hand, lit. The next morning we wake up. Blinding sun is streaming through the windows and directly into our hungover brains. We dress quickly, but you cannot find one shoe. We search in silence until I find it. "Oh, here it is." I walk you to the door. We exchange a quick, hesitant hug. I give you my business card. You will never call.

LolCait

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Pope John Peeps II — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:11:02 EST

@Furious_George: Ha ha ha. HYPER-REALISTIC NERD PORN:

I pull you towards me and penetrate you with the purple tip of my love lance. Because you are a drow elf, and I am a ranger with drow elves as a sworn enemy, I get +2 to hit you. Rolling a 19, I critical hit, scoring double damage with my tremendous member.

I thrust in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out,

then I stop for a drink of water. You can see me clearly in the darkness, because drow elves can see up to 60 feet at night.

then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out,

And now I climax. It's pretty quiet, so I put on an old Tracy Chapman CD. I know it's kinda lame, but it's all I can reach without getting out of bed.

Pope John Peeps II

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

heliotrope — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:10:40 EST

@TedSez: The gold star needs to be brought back just for you.

heliotrope

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

goodyshepard — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:08:46 EST

Undies? Really?

goodyshepard

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:08:46 EST

You open the door to my apartment and see me, standing in front of a full-length mirror, decked out in a bustier and thigh-high stockings, trying on a pair of falsies. "I've got a lovely pair of coconuts!" I sing as I twirl around and jiggle the fake breasts up and down in my lingerie.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Unfun — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:05:56 EST

I'm a total horny pervert but that just made me nauseated. If I'm foaming at the mouth, game over.

Unfun

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:05:18 EST

@LolCait: LOL, Cait.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:04:27 EST

@suzyO: [gawker.com]

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

LolCait — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:04:06 EST

@Furious_George: Okay. I'm going to try one.

You enter my apartment and are immediately greeted by the stench of hotdogs, cat litter, and some other, indefinable rot. In the shadows you see me, sitting in an old wedding dress, by an old, cobwebbed wedding cake. I look up, smile. As I do so, my filthy glass eye pops out of my head and rolls on the floor toward you. You look around the room. 2 Girls 1 Cup is playing on loop an old television. There are several dead cats in a pile under the dining room table. I reach a yellowed, leprosy-ridden hand toward you. "Hello, my name is Mandy Stadtmiller. Come and give us a kiss."

LolCait

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Goodbye, Commenters! — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:03:20 EST

@suzyO: Can I buy you six drinks?

Goodbye, Commenters!

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

DorothyMantooth — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:00:40 EST

@Furious_George: Oh my LORD, you just keep getting better!

("...she cried out as he thrust into her.")

DorothyMantooth

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:59:41 EST

@SheLaughs: Nice!

@Pope John Peeps II: Perhaps we have found our true calling? Why waste our time in meaningless corporate misery when there's good money to be made writing "gritty, realistic" porn stories?

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Goodbye, Commenters! — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:59:12 EST

@Hez: If a scandal erupts, please let it be CoreGate. Then both modifiers can die.

Goodbye, Commenters!

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

The Real JR — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:58:11 EST

@jann9884: Actually, I think this says more to his undeserved high sense of self that he's supposedly some sort of Cassanova meanwhile there's a whole lot of women out there who got their back blown out and then went home happy in the knowledge they got some no-string "some" without having to deal with this jackass everyday.

It's a win-win. And a whole lot cheaper than a shopping spree at Babeland and buying the economy count AAs at Home Depot.

The Real JR

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fileunder — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:55:59 EST

@Pope John Peeps II: @Furious_George:
i give up - i'lll just sit back and enjoy this.

fileunder

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:55:52 EST

You arrive early, so you let yourself in and wander over to my bedroom door, which is shut. You knock on the door and then try the handle.

"Don't come in here! Don't come in here!" I shout, as you open the door and catch me, pants at my ankles, masturbating in front of the computer screen, my face in a gnarled and wild expression as I stare up at the ceiling. You make out what appears to be World of Warcraft on the screen.

I shriek like a howler monkey, leap off my chair, and barricade myself in the closet.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

jann9884 — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:54:33 EST

This man has slept with well over 100 women. What does that say about us as a gender?

*shudders to think*

jann9884

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SheLaughs — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:53:48 EST

@Furious_George: and with as much silence as you can muster you grab your clothes. Not pausing long enough to even don your demin jeans and panties you slip, noislessly out into the hall. Closing the door just in time to hear one final, long fart coming from the bathroom. Your brow covered with sweat you dash back down the three flights of stair, whilst pulling your cell phone from your purse and making an emergency call to your analyst and your gynocologist.

SheLaughs

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Pope John Peeps II — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:53:35 EST

@Furious_George: HA. You know your slash fic. But you missed out on one perfect line:

"It's time for elevenses" said Sam, eyes glinting lustily, reaching to unbuckle Frodo's dungarees.

Pope John Peeps II

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

NewYorkWannabe — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:52:49 EST

His letter reminds MY FRIEND of the pre-fab missives BDSM guys on alt.com send to new members like MY FRIEND.

NewYorkWannabe

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

elizabethm — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:52:09 EST

@Pope John Peeps II: You guys are killing me. It hurts so good.

elizabethm

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:48:51 EST

I excuse myself to the bathroom to "freshen up," and I'm in there for well over 45 minutes. After awhile, you hear the sound of Entertainment Weekly rustling in my hands as I whistle the tune to "The Match Game."

Your foot is falling asleep on the couch, so you shift positions and brush up against a wadded-up piece of paper. You pick it up, uncrumple the page, and see what appears to be my erotic Lord of the Rings fan fiction. A loud farting noise emanates from the bathroom, and you shudder in disgust. Then you flip on a desklamp and begin to read the fiction.

"Oh, Mister Frodo," said Sam, heaving with delight at the sight of Frodo's hairy, semi-turgid member..." is about as far as you can make it before you get dry heaves in the back of your throat.

You begin to question your faith in God.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fileunder — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:47:50 EST

my wrist never burns when i go down on a guy!
am i doing it right, or horribly, horribly wrong??

fileunder

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fiveinchtaint — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:47:44 EST

@Pope John Peeps II: Awesome. I felt like I was right there with him. Lucid. Creepy.

fiveinchtaint

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

The Bacon Man — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:47:44 EST

dungarees are so much hotter than denim. and poetry is much more romantic.

feeling the denim of your dungarees snug against your crotch,
i'd gently force you to your knees and unbutton my dungarees
slowly.

i would allow you to reach into your tight dungarees
and stimulate yourself.

i'd strip those blue dungarees down to your now sweaty legs
and with them
your
damp
undies.

The Bacon Man

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Obviously Not Omniscient — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:47:43 EST

@Furious_George: Much better than "reality" TV, now we have your "too fucking real to tear myself away from" porn journal.

Obviously Not Omniscient

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SheLaughs — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:47:34 EST

Just tell me the woman who delivered up this sordid little missive from janko, read it and said "Oh Hells no!!" and blocked his number.

SheLaughs

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

elizabethm — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:45:34 EST

@Furious_George: Applause applause!

This is my favorite post/comment thread today - I'm never leaving it. Laughing so hard. I'm so fired, I think.

elizabethm

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

karion — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:44:11 EST

@Pope John Peeps II:

Oh my hell. Terrific.

karion

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

The Real JR — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:42:26 EST

@Pope John Peeps II: Well played. On both counts.

The Real JR

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

NYM — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:41:30 EST

Douchebag.

NYM

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:41:14 EST

@Pope John Peeps II: LOL.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

RocketSurgeon — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:40:45 EST

@Furious_George: You really have to stop being so funny. I don't think I can laugh quietly anymore. Besides, it sounds weird.

RocketSurgeon

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

rayoshea — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:40:22 EST

He had me until he threw the geometry in there. Totally took me out of the mood trying to remember what a 90 degree angle was. What?, it's been a while...

rayoshea

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

rednrowdy — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:39:40 EST

@PimpMyCouch: isn't that 'rosanna', not 'africa'?

rednrowdy

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

NewYorkWannabe — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:39:24 EST

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: Very funny... and accurate.

NewYorkWannabe

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

elizabethm — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:39:11 EST

@The Real JR: Ha! Patrick Batemen!

elizabethm

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SharonTaint — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:38:24 EST

i keep waiting for "I put on my robe and wizard hat..."

SharonTaint

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Pope John Peeps II — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:37:39 EST

@Furious_George: He he he.

The apartment would be in shadow. But you would make me out in the darkness. I am playing Minesweeper on beginner mode.

I click on a tile at random. There is a 2 to my left, a 1 down and left and a 1 below. I place a flag. There is a 2 to my right, and a 1 to the left of that, so I know there's a mine there. On the bottom is a row of 1s, so I know there's a mine at the end of that row. I place my flag, and clear the space to the left. It's a 1, so I know the next space is clear too. It's also a 1, with a 2 beside it, so I know there's a mine here. I place a flag and move to another corner. Suddenly I'm confronted by a row of 1 2 3 3. Since the 1 is at the end of the row, I know there's a mine in that corner too. I place my flag. Above it and to the right are 2s, so I know there are mines nearby. Since I'm at the border of the puzzle, I know this vertical row of 2 squares are all mines. Next, I place a mine above another of the 2s, but there's a three next to it, and I have 2 squares left uncovered but only 1 choice. So I have to guess. When I guess wrong I get that unhappy smiley face with the "x" eyes that I hate so goddamn much, and I have to start over.

When I look up with my cock semi-erect, you've been gone for hours, but your dog shit in my shoes. When did I say you could bring your dog? Don't you read the Times? Fuck.

Pope John Peeps II

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

scroll_lock — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:36:39 EST

@Paul Janka: :: disapproving wink from my asshole::

scroll_lock

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SpicyMeatball — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:35:34 EST

@jenocyde: He had to because I already had dibs on "your asshole will fart hello."

SpicyMeatball

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

onesong — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:34:31 EST

@mattychicago: HAHAHAAHAHAHA i IMMEDIATELY thought of that bash.org quote. nicely done.

onesong

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fiveinchtaint — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:33:35 EST

I wish this was posted closer to noon so I could finish my f'ing work and get out of here! Although, if that were the case, we'd probably just be on page 5 of the comments. Bastards.

fiveinchtaint

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

nonethewiser — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:33:24 EST

"I thrust in you like a jackhammer, the motion repetitive and cold, completely oblivious to the fact that you are deriving no pleasure from this whatsoever. After five minutes I finish, leaving you unsatisfied. You excuse yourself to "use the bathroom", but slip out the door and into the City instead. You are afraid someone may actually see you leaving my apartment. I am left to wonder, yet again, why true love alludes poor Casanova."

nonethewiser

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

elizabethm — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:32:34 EST

Eh. Banausic, at best.

elizabethm

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

The Real JR — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:32:27 EST

@Furious_George: Please stop using my correspondences with you as fodder for your comments. I told you that was a rough week for me, shit.

The Real JR

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

AndIAmTellingYou — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:30:32 EST

I prefer 98° cocks.

AndIAmTellingYou

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

suzyO — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:30:23 EST

okay, i'm here to put a lid on this simmering pot of thick lubricant, juices, and secretions. it just occurred to me that each and every one of us has probably fucked somebody who would write this way. cuz, c'mon, you wouldn't look at somebody and ever, ever, ever, oh dear god ever imagine that said somebody would, could, write this way, right? ack.

so, let the friday fuckfest NOT commence. in fact, let's all never fuck again. that's how this whole thing has left me. unless, of course, i get really drunk. then i'll fuck anybody. oh, alright. as you were.

ahoy.

suzyO

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SheLaughs — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:30:22 EST

@Hot Foot: His eyes glow in the dark like in the picture too.

SheLaughs

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

PimpMyCouch — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:29:47 EST

@Furious_George: I'll meet you all the way.

PimpMyCouch

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

picardia — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:29:40 EST

He lives in a walk-up? Forget it.

picardia

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

jann9884 — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:29:26 EST

@Furious_George: As long as he doesn't then kill them and store their heads in his freezer...

jann9884

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:29:02 EST

You arrive at my apartment and you notice the door is open, and there's a post-it note on the handle asking you to let yourself in and get comfortable. You look around the dingy room. Your eye darts from corner to corner in the darkness. You think you can make out the remnants of a three-week-old pizza box over on the kitchen countertop. There are beer bottles everywhere. Michelob Ultra. You hold your nose and recoil from the overwhelming, yeasty stench of the stale beer.

"Honey? Where are you?" you'd shout into the agonizing darkness?

Then you notice I'm in the bedroom. Through the crack in the door you can vaguely make out the irridescent glow of the television. You tiptoe over to the bedroom and slowly open the door. There I am, passed out in my underwear and a pair of black socks, bloated from beer and pizza, in a puddle of my own filth. The lesbian scene from "Deep Space Nine" is on infinite loop on my laptop screen, and the telvision is tuned to Shark Week. There are Playstation games scattered all over the floor. On closer inspection, I appear to be foaming at the mouth.

You think about calling an ambulance, but on second thought, you don't want your fingerprints all over this trainwreck. You see yourself out the door hastily.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

rod townsend — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:28:33 EST

Are you sure this isn't an application for Managing Editor?

rod townsend

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hot Foot — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:27:36 EST

i find it hard to believe someone whose hair looks like that can get laid.

Hot Foot

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

karion — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:27:22 EST

You know, you can really read paragraph three at least two different ways.

karion

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

whokilledallthemandelas — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:26:56 EST

@Furious_George: Amazing.

whokilledallthemandelas

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

PimpMyCouch — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:26:49 EST

@Furious_George: Oh, baby. That turns me on so much!

PimpMyCouch

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

InsomniaJones — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:26:06 EST

"Think Wet Coat" would be a good name for an indie rock band.

InsomniaJones

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

janesays — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:25:58 EST

@StMawr: It sounds like every I want you so bad email you've gotten because it is. The copyright is so he can sell rights to that shit.

janesays

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fileunder — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:25:55 EST

i'll be hanging out with Margo over in Apartment 3G.

fileunder

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:24:43 EST

... And I think I speak for all of us "weekenders" when I say that with this post, Friday Night Fuckfest has officially begun!

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

j.blo — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:24:10 EST

My strong manly hands will probe every crevice of your silken femininity, our undulating bodies writhing in sensual rhythm, as I thrust my purple-headed warrior into your quivering mound of love pudding.

j.blo

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Rhoda-licious — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:22:39 EST

@Furious_George:
f-ing brills!

Rhoda-licious

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:22:36 EST

@notbetty: I think my asshole actually got pinkeye from reading this.

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:22:34 EST

@rednrowdy: Nothin' but love for Toto, baby. Though if I had to choose, I might prefer "Rosanna" to "Africa" these days. Not for any particular reason, other than that the former gets me really pumped up for a night of hot, steamy passion. But only if your name is Rosanna, unfortunately.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

NinaHagen — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:22:03 EST

This is so much better than organizing the Savings Bonds I have to cash in...but after a certain point, it's just friction.

NinaHagen

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Fuzzy_duffel_bag — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:21:54 EST

Corn will be served.

Fuzzy_duffel_bag

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SheLaughs — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:21:16 EST

I vote we send maximila cordero to his door.

Let the crying game begin.

SheLaughs

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

notbetty — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:20:37 EST

I am laughing so hard I am crying. Oh Paul, you are making me secrete effluvia, and it is messy, but just fyi, my asshole is not winking at you approvingly.

notbetty

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

EvidenceOfAbsence — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:20:06 EST

@Furious_George: Holy shit. Genius! Choose your own sexventure! The porn that doesn't get old until all its pages are stuck together.

The world has been waiting for this moment.

EvidenceOfAbsence

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

suzyO — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:19:54 EST

@suzyO: come janka my anka. and then i killz you.

suzyO

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

rednrowdy — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:19:36 EST

@Furious_George: don't be hating on toto....and i like google maps better. otherwise, whenever, wherever, whatever baby.

rednrowdy

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Ack — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:18:20 EST

If I ever form a band, our first album will be called "The Beautiful Asshole."

Ack

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

nikaoh — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:17:55 EST

@Furious_George: so many choices! so many chances for ADVENTURE.

nikaoh

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

The Real JR — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:17:27 EST

@Furious_George: One time I turned to Pg. 16, and Rebecca died of typhoid.

The Real JR

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

karion — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:17:17 EST

@Furious_George:

Sublime, sir.

karion

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

CodePink — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:16:37 EST

@Furious_George: Gawd. This is too good.

CodePink

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

LolCait — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:16:00 EST

@Furious_George: InstaCommie, you arrogant bastard.

LolCait

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

relunctant entity — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:15:16 EST

@SheLaughs: That was pretty much great.

relunctant entity

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

BettyCrocker — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:14:39 EST

"And then, when you press charges and the cops spray my entire apartment with Luminol, I'll be thinking of you when I see that our Santorum actually made an image of the Virgin Mary on the leather chair."

BettyCrocker

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SheLaughs — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:14:32 EST

@Furious_George: Can't....breathe....must....stop....laughing.

SheLaughs

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

EvidenceOfAbsence — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:14:13 EST

"The beautiful asshole winking back at me approvingly."

He looked into her crack, and saw himself! It's like Paul Janka is the Queen from Show White, and reluctant lady cracks are his magic mirror.

EvidenceOfAbsence

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

mattychicago — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:13:36 EST

@Furious_George: lol

mattychicago

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fiveinchtaint — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:13:34 EST

@Furious_George: Best laugh of the day. Thanks dude.

fiveinchtaint

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Reluctant Financier — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:13:15 EST

@Furious_George: Mirror, OR, televison/computer screen, cuz you KNOW he'd want to record that shit and post it on xtube.com

Reluctant Financier

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

suzyO — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:12:49 EST

@The Real JR: implosion? i dunno ... is it possibly to secrete inward?

suzyO

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:12:38 EST

@mattychicago: I pull out my heaving cock and it's staring right at you. Do you touch it?

If yes, go to page 115
If not, go to page 25

Page 25
You have been slain by an elf.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

The Real JR — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:12:34 EST

@Furious_George: Thank you for this. It was lovely.

Now please use those velvet words of yours, those seductive vowels, that heart-wrenching glottal stop, and tell me the best way to get to LaGuardia from Midtown East during rush hour. Train? Shuttle bus? Tram?

Go easy on me, sugah.

The Real JR

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

larrydarrell — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:12:32 EST

as my purple, bulging head engorges your moist, swollen lips, there is a soft knock at the door -- "sweetheart, i'm making meat loaf for dinner, why don't you ask your little friend if she'd like to join us."

larrydarrell

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

scroll_lock — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:11:45 EST

@Furious_George: It's an inkjet.

scroll_lock

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

teapartys_over — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:11:12 EST

@Furious_George: Now I have "lazy sunday" in my head.

teapartys_over

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

mattychicago — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:11:03 EST

lol@the choose your own adventure comment.

you see my pants. do you undo them?

if yes, go to page 45
if no, go to page 12

page 12
i am no longer interested in you, i am going home.

the end.

mattychicago

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:11:00 EST

@Furious_George: Omigod, I am so fucking hot for you right now.

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Ack — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:09:51 EST

Threw up in my mouth a little.

Ack

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

the supergoddess — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:09:05 EST

@Furious_George: !!!!!!

the supergoddess

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

The Real JR — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:08:48 EST

@The Expat: Can you imagine the kind of blind homicidal rage the dude would go into if for some reason (but it's true: it does happen to everyone at least once) he ejaculates prematurely or is unable to maintain an erection?

He is no penis/coitus-focused that he probably doesn't know how else to relate to another woman within two feet of him.

Reality show please just so I can watch his inevitable implosion.

The Real JR

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

suzyO — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:08:20 EST

@malegirdle: um, how many "juices" does he think there are, anyway? and "thick wet coat of lubricant" - that's naval jelly, right?

i'll drop my anchor into your naval jelly, and then, AHOY, MATEY! i can see it now - mickey rooney as ... er, what's this twat's name again? never mind.

suzyO

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

SheLaughs — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:08:02 EST

And then the ending goes something like:

You are awakened in the darkness at 1:55 am by the annoying whine of my alarm clock. I toss your sticky jeans at you (keeping your undies for my personal collection of trophies) and tell you to let yourself out. I roll over and snore.

SheLaughs

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Hez — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:08:02 EST

If this came via Slut Machine or CCG, my prophecy is slowly being fulfilled.

This is truly a masterwork in the genre I now call Douchecore.

Hez

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fiveinchtaint — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:07:36 EST

@SpicyMeatball: The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat. As such, you're trumped.

fiveinchtaint

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

blogylonian — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:07:29 EST

Sex is like kids- better seen and not heard. 99% of sex talk is just so damn corny- with "fuck me!" being the best phrase, it doesn't lead to great literature, unless you're already a great writer (Nin, Miller, etc)

blogylonian

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

nikaoh — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:07:00 EST

ohhhhhmy gosh. is that his real address? should we egg his condo?

nikaoh

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Furious George — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:06:38 EST

@teapartys_over: First you would start by Mapquesting the directions to my apartment. You'd agonize over whether to use Mapquest or Google Maps, or maybe even Yahoo Maps, but in the end, you'd go with Mapquest. Yeah. You'd print that shit out right there. Just like that. Just...just print that fucking map. Then you'd take that big ol' map right out of that printer. Just kinda tug at it a little bit. Be gentle. Don't break that printer. That's a good piece of equipment. What is that, a laser printer or an inkjet? Anyway, you'd tug that hot paper right out of that printer, and then you'd call a cab. Your long, delicate fingers gently prodding at the buttons, ever so gracefully. Then you'd wait around for about 15 minutes. The cab driver says he'll be there in 10, but it's been about 15, you think. Maybe 20? Yeah, that's so fucking hot. Then what you'd do, you'd get in that cab and you'd give the driver my address. You'd listen to Toto's "Africa" on the cab ride over. It wouldn't be your first choice; it's what's on the cab driver's radio, but you kinda go with it. Just let that sweet, easy listening music pour over every inch of your body. You'd tap your feet inadvertantly. Just tap that foot to that slow, steady rhythm. Just like that. Yeah. Just tap that shit.

You'd arrive at my apartment and not have enough money for the cab. You'd haggle over the fare with the cab driver, whose name you realize you can't pronounce, but you think it's some kind of Russian. Maybe Armenian? No, probably Russian. He seems angry. Are Armenians angry? Gotta be Russian, right? Yeah, you think it's Russian.

Anyway, then you'd get to my house and we'd fuck.

Furious George

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

MyCubeHas3Sides — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:06:37 EST

Ha ha ha ha *vomit/hork/gasp* ha ha ha.

Man, better stuff is written one-handed on Adultfriendfinder...um, not that I would know.

MyCubeHas3Sides

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

fiveinchtaint — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:06:29 EST

Oh the emotion is just too much. Hatred, pity, and...OK, I'll admit a little bit of envy. How could you not envy someone this oblivious who has made it so far?

fiveinchtaint

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

BalknChain — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:06:05 EST

Worst Casanova in the World

BalknChain

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

BalknChain — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:05:02 EST

my thick, warm mutant tongues would explore you in two places at once

BalknChain

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

LolCait — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:04:56 EST

@Pope John Peeps II: Then he gets into the Congress of the Cow position and begins devouring Stromboli.

LolCait

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

gluecake — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:04:24 EST

@teapartys_over: he should turn this into a choose-your-own-adventure book.

it would just make me cry that everything will probably lead to sex with him...

gluecake

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Macloserboy — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:04:16 EST

I'm pretty sure I saw the bulk of this letter in Mad Libs.

Macloserboy

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

Le Kangourou de Kataroo — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:03:44 EST

@SpicyMeatball: Ha! Lemon out...

Le Kangourou de Kataroo

This Is How New York Casanova Paul Janka Works

karion — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:03:09 EST

Beautiful Pinkness totes screwed my trifecta bet at the Kentucky Derby.

karion