A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills - Gawker Comments

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Itsjustcatnip — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:16:08 EDT

Very usefull. You left out the part where Heidi Klum opens up a box of trashbags and gets some of the Project Runway 3.2 gang to dress these poor chickens up for the photo shoot.

Itsjustcatnip

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

constancescott1990 — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 09:33:07 EDT

Oh poor Richard.I do.I really really do.It's nothing but well off white girls and stupid red neck white guys and the dumb people who toon into that crap every fucking episode.I'm no racist,I'm just stating the facts.And as long as people support that shitty garbage,MTV will play it.and of course they will.They want ratings.And as long as you toon in(as stated on South Park)they r "single-handedly dumbing down America" youth.But u can't blame MTV.Because it takes dumb people to pay attention.

constancescott1990

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fashionistagrrrl — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:35:25 EDT

As a member of Team Kristen who has been following these Cali kids since the Laguna beach days, I feel the need to point out one error in this otherwise reasonably accurate summary: There is nothing "possibly smart" about Lauren Conrad. She admitted that she was a D student on Laguna Beach. My girl Kristen, on the other hand, was making the honor roll. I still wish that MTV had done a spinoff on Kristen instead, but of course she had the dignity to pursue an acting career instead of becoming MTV's reality slave. Can I also just add that Brody was not the first, but the second of Kristen's leftover boyfriends to which LC has adhered herself? (After Stephen Coletti, the cutest thing on Laguna Beach.) Go Team Kristen!

fashionistagrrrl

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

ithawtitoldya — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:09:49 EDT

@BK_KT: Ahhh, you know Melissa!

ithawtitoldya

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

heavysyrup — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 03:19:02 EDT

my 13 year old sister loves this show and wants to become just like LC

...

just to support your claim of 12 year olds watching the show.

heavysyrup

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

btrp — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 21:22:26 EDT

"Guildenstern-esque" is where I kind of fell in love with you.

btrp

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

naifmonger — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 21:19:31 EDT

Richard - you are my hero. This show is so bad but your recap makes it so good! Walking Peep, 47 year old Greek merchant, and Ranger Rick - Huzzah!

naifmonger

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

jess3 — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:27:28 EDT

THE WALKING PEEP JEN BUNNY!!!

hahahahahaha

jess3

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BK_KT — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:23:21 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: I actually have kind of the opposite view-- yes, editing turns people into caricatures but every person I have known who has dabbled in the reality show genre (one ANTM contestant, one RWer, and Abe) are the kinds of people who are that much larger than life in person that they actually translate into having a personality onscreen. Not saying much for the Hills gals, who are about as charismatic as a cardboard box, god love 'em. CT is an entirely different beast (emphasis on the BEAST).

Unfortunately I don't have any good dirt... I haven't met Coral(sad face emoticon), but it's amazingly surreal to look at photos from a family wedding featuring a bridesmaid who makes a living playing games and yelling at people on TV.

BK_KT

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

jigglyball — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:14:18 EDT

That recap definitely gave it the ol' college try, but it still just feels watered down. Something about this show always feels lukewarm and half-baked. Meh. And yes, I can apply outrageous conceits to justify just about any interest, but I can't get behind this. Maybe I'm weird.

jigglyball

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fiveinchtaint — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:05:15 EDT

@BK_KT: Oh I meant to say that - I'm sure even the worst personalities on those shows are partially due to editing (except CT). So the fact that he comes off as relatively chill, I'm sure he's actually very chill off screen. He's dating Coral?! I ran into her in a store in LA once. Wow. I'm sure you have some great dirt that you can't share here. But it would be completely awesome if you shared it here. This thread is dead anyway!

fiveinchtaint

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:46:12 EDT

@J.D.Regent: But only if her personality could accomodate the vacant, doe-eyed stare. She does that shit deadpan. She'd be great for Marivaux or comedia w/o masks.

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

hamburgerhotdog — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:42:38 EDT

Why do they all have a complete lack of inflection in their voices, the one exception being the word 'yeah', pronounced 'yEEE-AH."

hamburgerhotdog

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

GoodMorningAngels (makes me Charlie) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:37:56 EDT

"Hate" is too strong. To paraphrase a line from the hilarious Bill Lawrence, "I don't hate The Hills; I nothing The Hills." I love guilty pleasures as much as the next person--but it has to actually be a PLEASURE. The Hills is so boring it could actually be fatal.

GoodMorningAngels (makes me Charlie)

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BK_KT — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:31:47 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: Despite all the bellowing, he's a nice guy, just a wee bit ridiculous, as every reality show person I have known is. Also, my grandparents hang out with Coral (they're dating). Whaaaaattt?!?!?!

BK_KT

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

thebeerbitch — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:14:55 EDT

I was thinking about Netflixing this show, and catching up on what I've missed, but now I don't have to! It would be just super if Gawker could write some posts updating me if something really interesting happens in the future. You know... like if this L.C. and Julia Allison ever get into a bitch fight over the world's next supergeek.

kthxbye.

thebeerbitch

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

lisaraine — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:11:23 EDT

I have never watched the show, and frankly, I think being fisted by captain hook would be a more pleasurable, less brain-deadening experience.

lisaraine

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

J.D.Regent — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:09:24 EDT

@SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley: yeah, the epically bad taste in men and obsessive friendships would be tiresome if it weren't for the libidinal tension in her relationship with Heidi (and before that Kristin -- such a blond fetish). I only wish Whitney would grow a personality and then I would be truly happy.

J.D.Regent

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

contradicto — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:08:37 EDT

TWOP? Is that you?

contradicto

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

derby — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:05:51 EDT

i have watched 5 minutes. It was dreadful. I'll read a book instead.

derby

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

roodles — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:59:34 EDT

@monpetitchou: Okay, I'll fight you for that title.

But I think I'll have to trade my fro for a weave. Damn.

roodles

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

ClockOnTheStove — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:57:52 EDT

Very nice, but you didn't explain the smoke, numbers, or mysterious polar bears. And who the fuck are The Others?!?!

ClockOnTheStove

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:56:51 EDT

@J.D.Regent: Mmm- yes, I thought she was going to come out on season two of Laguna, but then she started dating that guy who looks like he's 38.

Note to self: stop caring about these people and commenting about their lives.

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

J.D.Regent — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:54:07 EDT

Don't forget the breathless waiting until LC finds out she is gay.

J.D.Regent

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

monpetitchou — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:53:51 EDT

I wonder if this will be the season of the Token Black Girl. Hey, I'll do it.

monpetitchou

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BrianVan — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:53:44 EDT

"Admit it: you don't really hate The Hills."

Yes, I do. As a matter of fact, everyone who watches it can go fuck themselves.

Call me when they all get naked and stop talking.

BrianVan

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:49:57 EDT

@Richard: @Raoul Duke: You two need to stop forcing me to think about stuff. Let's just look @ the pretty girls, shall we?

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Richard — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:34:25 EDT

@Raoul Duke: Though, it's not terribly principled (or at least morally principled) to call someone's existence "meaningless." It's a complicated world!

Richard

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Sasquatch — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:34:20 EDT

Every time my girlfriend watches this abortion of a television show, I lose a little bit of respect for her. When it comes to watching shallow halfwits fight with one another, I'm much more of a "Cops" fan.

Sasquatch

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fiveinchtaint — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:28:44 EDT

@BK_KT: Get right out of town! I have nothing against Abram, really. He used to be a bit scary with the testosterone-fueled rages, but he's chilled out I think. And although he's buddies with the meatheads, he doesn't appear to share the same mentality. I'd want him on my team if I was in one of these things for sure. Was he on the same RR season as Cara? If so, I'm extremely jealous.

fiveinchtaint

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:28:32 EDT

@Raoul Duke: Mmm, you're making me feel bad about myself, and I like it.

A little self-loathe may be just what I need to get through this Wednesday.

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Raoul Duke — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:26:42 EDT

Richard, you're missing the point.

It's not that I hate The Hills, it's that I refuse to contribute to existence of shows of their ilk.

I feel that by watching it, for whatever reason, be it ironic, academic or guilty pleasure, I somehow allow these people to continue to believe that their meaningless existence is somehow worth paying attention to.

Not that I believe my boycott will have any effect; it's merely principle.

Remember those?

Raoul Duke

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

the-cubicle-dweller — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:25:46 EDT

Wow, Spark Notes for trashy television, this can be a cottage industry Richard. Let's talk.

the-cubicle-dweller

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

ithawtitoldya — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:22:09 EDT

I can haz pinkberry.

ithawtitoldya

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:21:12 EDT

@Conbon: Only if Tiffany from I love New York is invited...

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BK_KT — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:14:58 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: He's not on this season but I don't even want to tell you...

...ok fine, it's Abram. Our families are VERY different, trust that!

BK_KT

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Conbon — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:14:07 EDT

@Richard: I would like to see the castof The Hills reenact the final scene from Bug. Since The Hills is real...

Conbon

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Dr. Tobias Fünke — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:12:08 EDT

I WANNA DO JUSTIN BOBBY

Dr. Tobias Fünke

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Dr. Tobias Fünke — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:10:34 EDT

ahhh i wanna do justin bobby so hard

Dr. Tobias Fünke

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fiveinchtaint — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:09:03 EDT

@Phyllis Nefler: Nice - I promise that I will try really hard to remember to track it down and report back. I need some void filler.

@BK_KT: Come on, you can't throw that out there and not divulge the subject! I hope I didn't just talk shit about your cousin. If so, my apologies. So who is it?

fiveinchtaint

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BGGA — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:08:46 EDT

I "accidentally" watched this show once. I couldn't figure out if it was an authentic reality show or a poorly scripted/acted tweener drama. Either way, it was unwatchable and I can not understand the appeal.

BGGA

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Truculent — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:08:45 EDT

I will spend the next ten years trying to convince my 14 year-old that these people are social parasites, not success stories.

Truculent

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BadUncle — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:05:54 EDT

Thanks for the abstract, Richard. Now I can go back to the awe and majesty of televised bass fishing (which is just as predictably exciting, sans loud jibber jabber).

BadUncle

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BK_KT — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:04:59 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: I admit I watch this too, though it used to just be to monitor how my cousin would continue to shame the family. Now it's just habit.

BK_KT

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Phyllis Nefler — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:04:12 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: It was indeed me, here.

Phyllis Nefler

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

dweeb — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:01:19 EDT

LC will no longer be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris!

dweeb

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

semiserious — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:01:15 EDT

I can't watch The Hills or Real Housewives because everytime I go home my mom and my sister make me feel like I'm in some bizaro Florida episode of either. Anyone looking to cast for the Real Houswives of Naples, Fl or There Aren't Actually Hills in Florida, But its a Lot Like That Except With Loads More Pot and Pregnancy Tests let me know. I've got gold.

semiserious

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:58:40 EDT

@LadlySack: I admire Whitney for being so hot and still keeping up her contract with this show, out of her love for LC only I'm sure.

I mean, this girl should be like out and about on auditions for pilot season, no?

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Calitri — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:55:25 EDT

Everyone's missing the point. The plot is inconsequential, thus a recap is unnecessary. The true beauty of The Hills can only be appreciated by turning the TV dial to MTV , adjusting the volume down to zero or mute and pulling up a comfy chair all while letting your self-esteem slip silently out the window.

Basically, the show is good for little else than a masturbatory emission. Personally, I prefer porn for such en devours but I'll flick on The Hills as a mostly clothed change of pace. All the nakedness can become tiresome after a couple hours.

But honestly, I couldn't tell you the last time I watched MTV. They should bring back music videos. At least they were an accurate portrayal of real life.

Calitri

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fiveinchtaint — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:51:47 EDT

@Phyllis Nefler: Someone around here suggested that to me before. Maybe it was you. I keep forgetting to put my tivo on the case.

@Nard38: @Goober_Pea: Why the fuck do Beth and Katie keep participating? The free travel? They hate everyone and everyone hates them! CT is unbearable and by extension Diem for dating him. Danny is retarded by any definition. And did Robin get hotter?

Alright, I don't want to hijack Richard's thread here.

fiveinchtaint

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

lawyergay — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:51:20 EDT

Perfect! And just when my Netflix cue was all empty.

lawyergay

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

LadlySack — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:48:32 EDT

@SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley: I admire you.

LadlySack

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

LadlySack — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:47:07 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: Oh my god. that's fucking brilliant. Someone please green-light this, yesterday.

LadlySack

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Richard — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:47:02 EDT

@Conbon: Hah! That would be amazing.

Richard

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:46:05 EDT

@LadlySack: um, I said it was a GUILTY pleasure, so I already feel GUILTY enough w/o you jumping all over me.

And- who said I no haz salami?

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Goober_Pea — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:46:03 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: I could talk all day about my sadness regarding the decline of RW and RR (along with their respective challenges).

Goober_Pea

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

PimpMyCouch — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:44:59 EDT

I watched one episode of The Hills and to quote LC, from that episode, "I've never wanted to stick a fork in my eye more".

PimpMyCouch

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Conbon — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:43:07 EDT

(or, even, got a giddy thrill out of the more salacious parts of August: Osage County)

Wait. Spencer and Heidi are brother and sister?

Conbon

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Phyllis Nefler — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:42:36 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: Degrassi: The Next Generation is alls I'm sayin.

Phyllis Nefler

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fiveinchtaint — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:41:26 EDT

@LadlySack: Why complicate things when a show featuring nothing but her trying on t-shirts would do just fine? But I like your angle.

fiveinchtaint

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

TheHonJudgeSmails — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:41:11 EDT

@olivia2.0: They're both dead.

TheHonJudgeSmails

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

LadlySack — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:40:26 EDT

@SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley: Are you living the movie Swingers? Cause all you're missing is some self-reproach and a salami...

LadlySack

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Nard — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:40:16 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: Maybe this will help. Even though the RR/RW challenge kind of sucks, please note that at the end of each elimination the host says to the vanquished competitor, "I'm sure we'll see you here again," which translates to "Based on your life choices to date, I'm sure you will not be employed at any point in the near future and will be willing to further humiliate yourself on TV based on the slim chance that you'll win about $45,000 before taxes." That part makes me smile.

Nard

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Toomanytomatoes — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:40:02 EDT

I want to arrange a foursome

Toomanytomatoes

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

olivia2.0 — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:39:36 EDT

Richard A) you need to get out of the house more
B) awesome! and C) Guildenstern-esque? What of Rosencratz-ian? Aren't they one in the same? There's your next post.

olivia2.0

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fivehole — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:38:22 EDT

@Nard38: for that matter, didn't heidi get her boobs done and have them plastered all over Us Weekly for, like, eleventy-twelve covers in a row? (not that i, uh, read Us Weekly.)

fivehole

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:37:35 EDT

@TedSez: STOP IT!! Me too, that show was so so phenomenal for like, lounging on your couch hungover on a Sunday afternoon and drinking SunnyD from the container. Guilty pleasure at it finest.

SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Phyllis Nefler — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:36:33 EDT

There once was a broad named LC
Who defriended her roommate Heidi
Whitney (advice dispenser)
Joined her in hating Spencer
So she set her dead eyes on Brody.

Phyllis Nefler

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

LadlySack — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:36:27 EDT

@fiveinchtaint: Put the Snorg Tees girl on The Hills and I'm all over this shit.

LadlySack

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BullfightsOnAcid — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:35:18 EDT

Why didn't you put Spoiler Alert. I just bought the first three seasons on DVD and was going to have a marathon this weekend. Now what am I going to watch while I'm drinking all those pre-made Apple-Tinis?

BullfightsOnAcid

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

SpoiledGirlieGirl — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:34:59 EDT

"Justin Bobby" reminds me of Jordin Catalano from My So Called Life. But I'm just guessing that because I never watch The Hills.

SpoiledGirlieGirl

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Reluctant Financier — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:34:36 EDT

@TedSez: Sunset Tan is the shizzle. Seriously, the Olly girls? You can't MAKE this kind of shit up.

Oh. Wait.

Reluctant Financier

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

TheHonJudgeSmails — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:34:29 EDT

@Nick Denton: If you aren't watching it, Nick, who is?

TheHonJudgeSmails

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

fiveinchtaint — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:34:00 EDT

Still not sold on them thar Hills. I also watched part of The Real Housewives of New York City the other night. Maybe I'm in a funk, but what used to amuse now disgusts. Even the RW/RR challenges are fading for me. Grump!

fiveinchtaint

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Nard — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:33:41 EDT

Richard, you left out the part where the Heidi-bot 2007 was re-assembled in the image of an US Weekly "Favorite Celebrity Body Parts" Photoshop mash-up.

Nard

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

marvel girl — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:32:58 EDT

Is it possible to feel brain cells dying? Because I think thats exactly what I just felt... But at the same time..cant. look. away...

marvel girl

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

CodePink — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:32:34 EDT

Wow! Good job!!

CodePink

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

LadlySack — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:32:28 EDT

@TedSez: "Sunset Tan is the bomb, yo!"

2AD, in post-coital bliss with Gov. Spitzer, November 2007

LadlySack

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

BK_KT — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:30:20 EDT

Richie baby, LO FUCKING L at "drunk, cheating forty-seven-year-old Greek merchant with a secret family living in Fresno". Truer words have never been spoken, in regards to Jason.

Yes, I like, who's coming over on Monday for the premiere and vodka punches?

BK_KT

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

ineffable.me — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:30:07 EDT

I'd much rather read your recaps than sit through that crapfest.

ineffable.me

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

TedSez — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:29:39 EDT

I'm sorry, but I still prefer "Sunset Tan."

TedSez

A Non-Watcher's Guide to The Hills

Reluctant Financier — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:29:34 EDT

Richard, you forgot to mention the part where I was supposed to care. But I'll take it on faith that you don't know either. MEANWHILE, back at the ranch....

Reluctant Financier