<![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel - Gawker Comments]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel - Gawker Comments]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> Is this passage referring to Cthulu? Do not rouse the dark lord from his slumber. His thirst is not easily slaked and his anger most terrible!

FelixCulver

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> "It's infinite underbelly was teeming with life"
Wow. They can't even spell "its". I hope this error makes it into print.

labourgeoisie

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @PattyCake: I know...I realized my mistake as soon as I clicked submit...but it was too late. I was hoping no one would pick up on it.

@lawyergay: Thanks :)

@arguablythemostfamous: Well done. I like the way you ended that.

FitnessMadeSimple

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @raincoaster: It's true. There's no reason this couldn't be a bestseller.

Koreanish

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> I think you are all confusing something; why do you persist in the ridiculous notion that because something is appallingly bad it will not sell? Dan Brown, anyone?

raincoaster

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @arguablythemostfamous: @valarmorghulis: I'm pretty sure that's Tom Robbins.
@FitnessMadeSimple: "trying in vein." You're killing me here.

PattyCake

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> List of adjectives used in that opening paragraph:
deep black uncertain gray ominous crashing agonized frightening vital infinite monstrous finned tentacled toxic slimy countless brave sable velveteen precious

This is funny, but I can't quite put my finger on why.

amplesufficiency

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> Sable velveteen depths ... come up for air

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me, but there I was, deep in her sable velveteen, errr, depths, and I never thought Mr. Willy would ever come up for air. Poor phallus! Lucky me!

Signed,

P. Urple Prose

heartbreakturnip

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @HamptonShmampton: The night was moist...

Lazy Susan

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @FitnessMadeSimple: The waves of horror that pulsed through Bess' undulating body wouldn't cease, as she watched her prize herd, now disgusting killer zombies, amble towards her, hooves raised, stopping only periodicallly to chew their cud disdainfully, their dead, lifeless eyes never wavering. Bess stood frozen, no thoughts penetrating her conscious other than one singular question: were her tomatoes safe?

...I'm still laughing at "blitzkrieg atrophy"

arguablythemostfamous

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @TheHonJudgeSmails: The graphic put me into some kind of trance where I didn't do any work for like... all day (like most days!). Can I sue you?

LoveHandles

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> I used to work at Penguin. My imprint would have killed to publish something this good.

sumac

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @HamptonShmampton: Indeed! If that's not a Bulwer-Lytton winner right there, I'm not sure what is.

DorothyMantooth

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> I was going to say it will be really difficult to divvy up royalties amongst 1500 authors, but since that requires someone to buy the book, it's really not so much a problem anymore.

Hiphopopotamus

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @unutterable: In the opening paragraph, no less!

HeyThatsMyBike

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @FitnessMadeSimple: Brilliant.

Also, the funny thing about the passage in the post is that it totally works if your replace "velveteen" with "velveeta."

lawyergay

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @arguablythemostfamous: But as Bess emerged from her house one Wednesday morning to start her day's chores, her eyes fell upon a wall of horror that sent her legs into blitzkrieg atrophy.

Bess tried to rise from her knees, but her efforts proved futile. She could only curl up into herself, trying in vein to weave a protective cocoon she knew would not materialize. The earth rumbled as the cows approached, front legs suspended in the air and eyes glowing with the same red ferocity as her prized tomatoes...

FitnessMadeSimple

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @KimGordonsPanties: E-mail a review to me and I think we can put it up.

Nick Douglas

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @FitnessMadeSimple: Such was the life of the cattle herd, lazily sleeping and grazing amongst the tomatoes, potatoes and other similar sounding vegetables, forever forced to continue mournfully on in their existence as mere sustinence. Or so we all thought...

arguablythemostfamous

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @arguablythemostfamous:
The tomato garden had an insatiable hunger for the rich fertilizer that only Bess' plump cows could possibly yield. It was their manure that was the secret to those majestic, ruby-red beefsteaks. It was their manure that would prove Bess' demise.

Beneath the pale glow of the April moon, thoughts festered and danced mischievously inside compact cattle minds; evil thoughts or righteous thoughts -- a matter merely of perspective. The cows had an understanding with the tomatoes. One could say it was a brotherhood, were one to disregard the female nature of the cow...

FitnessMadeSimple

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> It's still an improvement over James Frey.

nightwatchman_flamekeeper

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> It was a dark and stormy night...

HamptonShmampton

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> 1500 writers and not one copywriter who could point out the wrong usage of an apostrophe? "It's infinite underbelly was teeming with life"!

unutterable

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> Yep, hard to imagine things living in the fucking ocean. Can I review this for Gawker?

Kim Gordon's Panties

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> does this remind anybody else of the email/fax joke of the HS student's metaphores and analogies?

"The little row-boat drifted lightly across the pond in exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

valarmorghulis

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> Let ME decide if the gray mist is ominous or not! Jeeze.

cog_in_wheel

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @arguablythemostfamous: That's just special.

tunamelt

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> I could have saved them all a lot of trouble. Only people in Manhattan and certain parts of Brooklyn can write novels.

PickleTitsTurner

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> ok read that paragraph, and then understand that this is probably less than a page later:

"The sad truth was that everyone thought Jim was kind of an ass. Also, it didn't really help that he hung out in an internet cafe. Jim noticed people. He loved to take in what he saw. Here, Jim thought to himself, is a man who is strong in character, firm in beliefs and yet, stifled somehow,... with a faint air of melancholy. Jim made a mental note of all these things and continued his own writing, trying unsuccessfully to erase the image of football tights and palm slapped buttocks from his already wandering mind's eye. "

Finally, a book that uses "Sable Velveteen" within 300 words of "kind of an ass".

arguablythemostfamous

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> Hey, 1500 authors plus their moms? Not bad sales for a first novel.

Miss-Pringle

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> From Roland Barthes' perspective, this is a bloodbath.

Bell County

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> Syntactically, it seems that underbelly is only teeming with ONE life.

But then again, I'm nitpicking the WORST THING EVER WRITTEN.

Pope John Peeps II

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @Nick Douglas: Hey, you're back. Good for you.

Nothing wrong with tranny porn... but goats? That's what's effed up.

tunamelt

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> that is a LOT of adjectives.

arguablythemostfamous

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> My infinite underbelly is teeming with tacos.

Tammany_Fall

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @Bell County: Yeah, this would've gone well with some unlabeled hardcore Asian pornography.

TheHonJudgeSmails

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> @Bell County: I was gonna use a gallery of tranny porn but apparently there's a two-strikes rule.

Nick Douglas

]]> <![CDATA[Penguin Books Proves The Entire Internet Can't Write A Novel]]> That graphic is pretty tame, Nick.

Bell County

]]>