<![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins - Gawker Comments]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins - Gawker Comments]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Thanks. I can sleep at night now, knowing that this important issue has been settled.

swagv

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @JinxyMcDeath: "She's still fucked in the head, but she found some idiot on jdate to marry her."

Now you see there, that's the problem (why girls purge foods and don't gobble 'em) --
Desperately trying to heed boys' mandates of Size Zero and No More.
Though the 'rex has many causes, the male 'scope for "figure flaws" is
Arguably a trigger primary in our culture's status war.
And the girls, they find some "savior" to enable this behavior,
Terrified to be dubbed "fatty" by The Street's male douche du jour.
"We don't do that!" Oh, Dudes, suuuuuuuure.

Rooo sez BISH PLZ

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @GirlFriday: What a coincidence, when I'm driving around making calls, I drink my beer from a venti cup.

Monkeyrash

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> The prank I ever pulled for Starbucks was when I put juicy raspberry syrup in the whipped cream bottles (we put vanilla syrup in the bottles) for April Fool's. I was fired for it. The store's lease was up last week...

LaLuneEstMorte

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @BadUncle: @BaconCat: Y'all are bad bad hepcats. Now look what you started.

Rooo sez BISH PLZ

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Quoth the actress/fashionista: "I must say to you, barista,
That I'm not sure it's your business whether I eat less or more.
Do you care about your karma? Do you take cues from big pharma?
No plan B for preg girls? No full milk for big girls? Are you sure?
Whether we be zaft or skinny - and the same goes for my twinny -
Please do not police our intake, and with that we you implore -
Give us COFFEE -- nothing more."

Rooo sez BISH PLZ

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @spiderweb1986:

But the lady, balanced tippy on skyscraper heels, smiled only
That one look, as if her every effort in that look she did outpour
Nothing further here was granted - a void behind sunglasses slanted
Til I could not help but mutter "I've seen Michelle eat toast before
In halcyon days of tv bliss, ah golden Full House days of yore"
Still the waif said nothing more.

ShoplifterOfTheWorld

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> It gets better... the barista is really Kimmy Gibler!

SayHeyJay

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @BaconCat: This masterpiece clearly needs to be continued...

Much I marvelled, as this lady waltzed into the store quite plainly
Though her old career, long stagnant, little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Had seen an actress quite so skinny come through his barista door
Former child star, now all grown up, come through his barista door
Here for coffee, nothing more

spiderweb1986

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Ah ha. I knew it. My soy has tasted like something other than soy. Damn them all!

cosmiclove

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Tammany_Fall: It's like the time I lent Isadora Duncan my scarf.

dlduncan2

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @BaconCat: (snap! snap!) Go cat,go!

BadUncle

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> I flipped burgers for a summer, and routinely pissed in the pickles.

Chaim Gnadelstein

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Aww man. This is entertaining. The barista needs a medal or a prize for health research and contributions.

annieuro

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> this has become confession hour. i am thoroughly entertained.

ravishankar

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> When I worked for the biggest and most important catering company in the city many moons ago all the skinny social xrays would ask for decaf after dinner at the opera or the met or any other big charity event,I made sure they got full strength.

Saxon 212

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> First the Austrian incest gang rape Dungeon Dad, and now THIS. GREAT, AMERICA. JUST GREAT.

misterdirk

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> My favorite Starbucks trick ... when my stupid coworkers would see me going out to get coffee, they would all glom on and say "Get me a frappucino," to where I had to get four or five drinks instead of my one frickin' cup. Yeah, I know, I'm a selfish ass. Anyway, I would do add shots for them, since they couldn't taste the extra espresso, then upped it to two. Soon they were saying, "No coffee for me, it keeps me up all night." Tee hee.

dandles

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Dude, I'll bet she's now got Micha Barton cottage-thighs lurking under those leggings. Thanks, SBUX!

misterdirk

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> I used to put lots of extra malt powder in the shakes for sorority girls at the diner I worked at in college. It didn't do a bit of good...I'm still single, trying to feed my self and my three cats in this crappy economy and they're probably married to wealthy investment bankers, they don't have to work except work out to make sure they're thin for all the fancy functions they have to attend in their pretty dresses from Escada and make sure their dangly diamonds hang just-so from their tiny earlobes.
*damn them all*

kathotdog

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> I did this too as a barista (though never to an Olsen). I only switched it up for the gaunt women who considered a non-fat double shot as their main source of sustenance. I would also convert whole milk to non-fat for those perhaps suffering from a glandular condition (which drove them to add shots of flavored sugar syrup and whipped cream to mask the fact that they were drinking espresso). From what I can tell, I wasn't alone in this, I didn't work at Starbuck's but even at the mom and pop cafes the baristas do it.

NeonSkye

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Tammany_Fall: Or the time I replaced Ben Stein's Visine with a minced onion.

PrincessKashmir

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @JinxyMcDeath: As a former java jock, I promise that your standing nearby will not prevent a bitter and/or drunk* Starbucks employee from screwing with your drink.

*Drunkeness is the best-kept barista secret. Think about it: 8 hour shifts during which you have unrestricted access to a huge range of mixers and commercial blenders. Though when lazy, it was just beer in a grande cup.

GirlFriday

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @ZiggyStardust: Meth, obviously.

LoveHandles

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> you know after finding out about the "whole milk debacle"... the twins have locked themselves in their mansions and vowed to do as many crunches as it takes to burn off those excess milk calories....

shmompa

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> hey there barista, hope you enjoy your 15 minutes

IvyIngrate

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @JinxyMcDeath: "Roommate," eh?

I've actually yelled (in jest), "Hey! What are you trying to say?" to the girls who make me my morning coffee (in the deli downstairs from my office) when they've put milk into it instead of the half-and-half I ask for.
True story.

DorothyMantooth

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @BaconCat: Ooops, that was a continuance of BadUncles excellent adaptation.

BaconCat

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Girl," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was crapping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly your Manolos came tapping, tapping on my pergo floor,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I scanned wide the entire store;---
Wifi there, and nothing more.

Back behind the counter turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that was an order for a latte.
Let me see, then, what threat is, and this mystery explore.
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore.
" 'Tis the wifi, and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a starving actress, of the tgif days of yore.
Not the least obesity made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But with mien of lord or lady, perched on a couch in my store.
Parched she was and looking peckish, "Eat a sandwich" I implored,
She perched, and sat, and nothing more.

BaconCat

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Sarcastro: I gave Abraham Lincoln my theater tickets because I had to go to my cousin's bar mitzvah.

Tammany_Fall

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Sarcastro: I added three jiggers of high fructose corn syrup, just like Nell Carter liked it.

I had no idea you were six degrees of separation from Bud Dwyer, servicey! I always told him he'd get in trouble someday by shooting his mouth off.

scroll_lock

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> There's a whole vein of humor to be expoited her involving milk mustaches, "whole" milk and slipping things to women unbidden, but I'm too classy for that.

Mediahohoho

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @scroll_lock: Hopefully, you didn't use real sugar, as he has the di-UH-bee-tus.

Also, Bud Dwyer was an administrator at my college before he became treasurer and blew his head off. "This thing could hurt somebody," quoth the Bud.

Sarcastro

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Truly, the worst nightmare ever.

Once working in a Starbux dreary, while I barristaed weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious cup of pumpkin latte,
While I steamed, nearly foaming, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping near the floor.
"'Tis a tiny acress," I muttered, "tapping at my cash register.
Only this, and nothing more."

Then this tiny bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance she wore,
"Though thy bikini be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no culture failure.
Ghastly slim and frail screen player wandering from the Nightly clubbing,
Tell me thou wishes some calories to store!"
Quoth the actress, "Nevermore."

BadUncle

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Tammany_Fall: I wish I was organized enough to have some of mine on hand in bottles. *sigh*

Reminds me of the time I asked Bud Dwyer to take care of my gun for a few days.

scroll_lock

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @scroll_lock: Or when I served Stumpy Joe from Spinal Tap a bottle of my vomit.

Tammany_Fall

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Sarcastro: She was trying to drop a few libbs but her heart wasn't really in it.

Besides, that was nothing compared to the time I switched Wilford Brimley's usual coffee for Folger's Crystals.

scroll_lock

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Perhaps the extra milkfat was easier on the throat when she purged afterward.

WideStanceRomancer

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Tammany_Fall: Or the time I slipped Ex-Lax into Karen Carpenter's chocolate brownies.

scroll_lock

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Methinks a certain barista def deserves the Humanitarian of the Year award.

FitnessMadeSimple

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @scroll_lock: Liar.

Her condiment of choice was liquefied fatback.

Sarcastro

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @ravishankar: What's the point? Just get a cafe au lait, you stroller pushing harpy.

hamburgerhotdog

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @scroll_lock: Or when I left Donna Summer's cake out in the rain.

Tammany_Fall

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> This is like the time I put regular instead of light mayo on Mama Cass's ham sandwich.

scroll_lock

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> ha! not ashamed to say that i used to do the same thing when i was 18 and a "barista" at the bitchiest starbucks in nyc - 86th/lex. i would also purposefully burn the milk to take my revenge on picky UES housewives, whose only purpose in life was to torture starbucks baristas with their demanding orders. "tall no-foam vanilla skim latte." "i said NO FOAM" "NO FOAM!!!!" yeah, you'll feel it later bitches.

ravishankar

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @valarmorghulis: Sbux always fries the fuck out of the milk anyway, so maybe they couldn't tell.

Tammany_Fall

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Also, this is why I stand like a hawk next to the Starbucks employee (I refuse to say "barrista"...its way too close to "barrister") to make sure they use the "non fat milk" pitcher. Don't worry, I smile and say "thanks" and ask them how they are doing in an attempt to steer their attention away from my insanity.

JinxyMcDeath

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> OMG you guys it's a good thing it wasn't Emily Brill because then she MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD FOR HER PURPOSES!!!11!!

Colonel Mustard

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Tammany_Fall: probably just thought that sbux was really good coffee and that's why they kept going.

valarmorghulis

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> In college, one of my roommates was psychotically bulimic/anorexic (laxatives, ya'll!) and was obsessive about the food she ate. Well, at some point a new low fat "ice cream" came out called "Big Daddy" and it claimed that a pint of it was only 120 calories and 3 grams of fat...for the entire pint!!! Obviously, we all bought these things by the truckload and ate them morning, noon, and night. Turns out, it was too good to be true and Big Daddy was just a lie and it was really double that amount (which is still not bad). Anyways, she went into a psychotic rage and started screaming, "IVE GOTTEN SO FAT! IM SO FAT! OH MY GOD!!!" and proceeded to completely trash her entire room (including throwing her TV to the ground). She then came in my room and said "Ok, so secret's out - I have a little bit of an eating disorder, I take laxatives everyday, and I work out 3 hours a day and count my calories." I was like "Um, I know...I live with you. I think you need to get help. I'll be there for you in anyway you need me to be." The next day she acted like nothing happened and pretending that the conversation never took place. She's still fucked in the head, but she found some idiot on jdate to marry her.

JinxyMcDeath

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Well, my worst nightmare is to become a self-obsessed calorie-counting freak. But to each her own, I suppose.

formerlyzivah

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Tammany_Fall: Mmmmm, half-and-half ...

Tammany_Fall

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> How the hell could they not taste the difference? If you're used to skim milk, whole milk tastes like half-and-half.

Tammany_Fall

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> I heard that their dealer was concerned too, so he mixed some high-calorie IV nutritients in with their heroin.

It's nice that they've got good people watching out for them.

MisterHippity

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Awwwwwwww. That'll be $4.75.

In Other News...

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @Chaim Gnadelstein: Yes but, the horror! Whole milk!

HamptonShmampton

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Wonder the barista did with the fatties' drinks.

ZiggyStardust

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> @EpponneeRae: Dammit!

Richard

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> FAIL!

the cajun boy

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> I've been spitting on Greg Gutfield's lunches because I think he isn't getting spit on enough.

Hiphopopotamus

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Anyone else hear something about an earthquake in China?

Chaim Gnadelstein

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> This so reminds me of when we used to sell tourists bags of oregano as weed so they wouldn't take drugs and be a harm to themselves. So very philanthropic to remove the freedom of choosing for yourself.

skippywasserman

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Thanks for resisting "Whole-sen" - I wouldn't have.

MattGaymon

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> Your move, Improv Everywhere.

Phyllis Nefler

]]> <![CDATA[Starbucks Barista Once Tried to Fatten Up the Olsen Twins]]> This is a national tragedy.

contradicto

]]>