How to Make a Hedge Fund Ad

Hedge funds, sophisticated financial vehicles using strategies that can—whether the market is up or down—enrich hedge fund managers, are now allowed to advertise to the public. Problem: they suck at it. Can we help them?

Hedge funds face two major challenges when it comes to creating effective advertisements. The first is a lack of experience. The second is the fact that only rich suckers invest in new hedge funds, because the hedge fund business model is a scam. Neither of these challenges are insurmountable. Experience comes with time. And scamming rich suckers is the backbone of many profitable industries, including but not limited to luxury travel, luxury clothing, luxury dining, and strip clubs.

So far, hedge fund ads are, frankly, pathetic. Look at this Dealbook report on what they've come up with so far. One video comparing hedge funds to surfing, and a crummy magazine ad comparing hedge funds to snowboarding.

This is some rookie shit guys. A commercial for Fruit Gushers™ flavored fruit snacks looks like The Matrix next to this shit. Frankly I am disappointed.

How to sell an ultra-expensive investment strategy to high net-worth individuals even though that investment strategy is not, in all likelihood, in their own financial interests? You have to target the rich morons. This is America. There's plenty of em.

SCENE: Two businessmen in pinstriped suits sit at a table in a conference room.

BUSINESSMAN 1: I'm Milton Wentworth. And this is my partner, Abner Rockefeller. As you can see by our suits, we're sophisticated financial managers. Have you been investing in boring assets like "stocks and bonds," using a boring money manager at a boring bank with a boring office in a boring city, like yours? Is "boring" the life you want to lead?

BUSINESSMAN 2: That's not what I would do if I owned the third-largest chain of carpet retailers in the Dakotas.

BUSINESSMAN 1: Here at Wentworth Rockefeller Capital Management, boring isn't exactly our style. We like to do things a little...

*BACK WALL OF THE CONFERENCE ROOM EXPLODES IN A CLOUD OF DUST AND A SHIRTLESS MAN RUSHES IN*

BUSINESSMEN, IN UNISON: Hulk Hogan!?!

HULK HOGAN, TURNING TO FACE CAMERA: That's right fellas. When I heard that there were some high net-worth individuals out there who don't have hedge fund investments like Wentworth Rockefeller Capital Management in their portfolio, it makes me want to explode!

*FIFTEEN SECOND CLIP OF THE HULK HOGAN SEX TAPE PLAYS HERE*

BUSINESSMAN 1: We feels the same way, Hulkster. Would you believe that as many as 45% of all Quiznos franchise owners in the Chicagoland region do not have any of their money in alternative investments? That's the kind of missed opportunity that...

*BUSINESSMAN 2 EXPLODES IN A BALL OF FLAMES; WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS, A WOMAN IS SILHOUETTED IN THE RUBBLE*

BUSINESSMAN 1: Hollywood starlet Geena Davis?!?

GEENA DAVIS: That's right, Milton. When I heard that almost two thirds of auto dealership owners in the Kentucky-Tennessee-Missouri triangle don't have any of their money in hedge funds, why, that makes me want to drive right off a cliff.

*GEENA DAVIS ATTEMPTS TO WINK*

BUSINESSMAN 1: Well, it sounds like we all agree.

*MILTON WENTWORTH, HULK HOGAN, AND GEENA DAVIS TEETER OVER THE RUBBLE OF THE BOARDROOM AND PLACE THEIR ARMS AROUND ONE ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS*

IN AWKWARD UNISON: Wentworth Rockefeller Capital Management: where the real star is you!

HIGH SPEED VOICEOVER: Expenses are two percent of assets plus twenty percent of profits annually. Your chances of outperforming a simple diversified portfolio of low cost index funds is low. You fucking suckers.

*HULK HOGAN SEX TAPE CLIP PLAYS AGAIN SILENTLY WITH COMPANY LOGO SUPERIMPOSED*

-ENDS-

[Photo: AP]