Christie, de Blasio Win Big; Tea Party Loses in Virginia and Alabama

Too cool to pay attention to politics but still need something to talk about at work on Wednesday? Here’s all you need to know about Tuesday's election results.

In New York City, Democrat Bill de Blasio was elected mayor. His margin of victory might be the largest by a non-incumbent since five-borough elections began in 1897. He is also the first Democrat to be elected mayor since David Dinkins in 1989.

In New York state, voters approved a constitutional amendment to expand casino gambling. Some say this will bring jobs to upstate New York, others believe the government should get the hell out of the gambling business.

In New Jersey, a “moderate” Republican who opposes gay marriage and abortion ran on a hurricane ticket and won. Chris Christie, a raging prick, will continue his reign as the governor of New Jersey.

New Jersey voters also approved a ballot measure to raise the minimum wage from $7.25 to $8.25 but that doesn't absolve them from the voting-for-Christie thing. However, this might: New Jersey voters declared in exit polls that they would rather vote Hillary Clinton for president than Chris Christie. So with no precincts reporting, MSNBC has hypothetically declared Hillary Clinton winner of the 2016 presidential election.

In Virginia, good sense prevailed and voters barely elected Democratic gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe over Kenneth T. Cuccinelli II. Cuccinelli’s loss was bad for the Tea Party and good for America. Many believe this loss should signal to the GOP that it's time to knock it off with the hyper-conservative garbage, but Ted Cruz doesn't seem to have an off switch.

In Boston, State Rep. Marty Walsh, a Democrat, beat some other Democrat asshole to become the mayor of Boston. And the Boston Red Sox won the World Series.

In Detroit, Mike Duggan became the first white mayor since 1974. But it doesn’t really matter because the city is bankrupt and under the control of a state-appointed emergency manager. Basically, the new white mayor can’t do shit.

In Alabama, former state Sen. Bradley Byrne won the Republican runoff for a Dec. 7 special election in the 1st Congressional District. He beat Tea Party candidate Dean Young. Yes, you read that correctly: the Tea Party can’t even win a Republican election in Alabama.

In Colorado, voters passed a 25 percent tax on recreational marijuana sales that will begin Jan. 1. Two-thirds of voters backed this measure because legal weed is still 125 percent awesome.

In Houston, voters decided the Houston Astrodome—once dubbed the “Eighth Wonder of the World”—should not be turned into a convention center because who the fuck wants to go to a conference in Houston? It’ll likely be razed.

And in Toronto, Rob Ford admitted to smoking crack. Crack cocaine.

[Image via AP]