It’s finally here. In a few short hours, Iowa residents will crown their harvest king and everyone else in the country can go back to forgetting that Iowans exist for the next four years.
We’ll be updating this post with all the most important, bizarre, and idiotic antics of the night, so keep checking back to see what our freedom-loving presidential hopefuls have gotten themselves into next.
Update 8:54 p.m.
This doesn’t bode well.
Update 8:55 p.m.
Let’s hope god at least has a college degree.
Update 8:59 p.m.
According to Google’s results, Trump’s confidence (and pretty much every poll’s projected winner for that matter) may have been misplaced. Even poor “maybe I’ll get fifth” Jeb is underperforming.
But god bless Jim Gilmore.
Update 9:09 p.m.
And a terrible sign for the country at-large.
We should note that, while Cruz is technically still in the lead, there have still only been a few hundred votes, so it could be anyone’s game. Unless your name is Jeb. Or Hucakbee. Or anyone who’s not Trump, Cruz, or maaaaybe Rubio.
Update 9:14 p.m.
How much fun is Donald Trump having tonight?
This much fun.
Update 9:19 p.m.
This is honestly the most impressive statistic of the night.
Update 9:25 p.m.
This is NOT the classiest, most luxurious caucus.
Update 9:28 p.m.
Carson may be ditching out of Iowa later tonight, but he swears he’s not giving up.
He’s just filthy, apparently.
Update 9:40 p.m.
We’ve got about fifty percent of the vote in so far, and things still aren’t looking great for Trump.
Update 9:52 p.m.
With about two-thirds of the vote in, Cruz is currently 3,000 votes ahead of Donald Trump.
Update 10:02 p.m.
Jim Gilmore officially hits double digits—big night for Jim!
Update 10:09 p.m.
Apparently Carla Smith down at the Democratic caucus forgot to charge her phone before the big night. Which wouldn’t be too much of an issue if not for the fact that Carla was supposed to use her phone to report her districts votes.
Carla seems incredibly stressed, but don’t worry Carla; you’re doing great. As for Brian Williams—how much did Mophie just pay you for that name drop?
Update 10:12 p.m.
Update 10:21 p.m.
Update 10:20 p.m.
Update 10:22 p.m.
MSNBC has just called the Iowa caucus for Ted Cruz.
Update 10:27 p.m.
Fox News, CNN, and pretty much everyone else are calling it for Cruz.
Update 10:30 p.m.
Mike Huckabee is officially suspending his campaign now.
Huckabee actually won the Iowa caucus back in 2008. Dark night, for Huck.
Update 10:35 p.m.
But he loves you, New Hampshire!
Rubio, who has come in third, seems incredibly confused about what“third place” actually means.
“So this is the moment they said would never happen,” Rubio tells a cheering crowd. Which is weird, because I don’t remember anyone ever caring enough to discuss Marco Rubio’s odds of coming in third place in Iowa specifically. He goes on, “For months they told us we had no chance.”
Anyway, someone needs to tell Marco Rubio he didn’t actually win. His kids certainly seem to know.
Update 11:00 p.m.
Image via AP.
Looks like someone told him.
Upate 11:08 p.m.
And here’s Donald Trump’s concession-ish speech.
Weird that he didn’t mention this:
Update 11:28 p.m.
Ted Cruz’s victory speech sure sounds familiar...
Update 12:00 p.m.
If you were wondering where Ted Cruz’s victory speech is—he still hasn’t shut up.
Update 12:11 a.m.
Well, here’s at least part of Ted Cruz’s speech.
Now imagine forty more minutes of that.