This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.

Sometime after we wrongheadedly and selfishly put our laptop away on Friday afternoon to attend to some piddling personal matters, Britney Spears posted her long-awaited "Letter of Truth" on her official website. And: She made us wait for this? It's been weeks since the Letter was announced, and we'd spent the idle time utilizing the evidence at hand to develop this hypothesis of the Truth: Kevin Federline is actually a white-trash vampire, and his bites transformed the once-attractive Spears into an atrophying creature of the night dependent on a cursed diet of Red Bull, convenience store junk food, and paper hand towels from public restrooms. The flashbulbs of paparazzi weaken the vampire life force, and so the photographers must be repelled with cups of sugary, liquid, hand-launched ballistics. Unfortunately, the Letter of Truth doesn't seem to bear out our theory.

I am also going to take some time off to enjoy life. I've actually learned to say "NO!" With this newly found freedom, its like people don't know how to act around me. Should we talk to her like we did when she was 16 or like the Icon everyone says she is? My prerogative right now is to just chill & let all of the other overexposed blondes on the cover of Us Weekly be your entertainment... GOOD LUCK GIRLS!! [...]

Going & going & going is all I've ever known since I was 15 years old. It's amazing what advisors will push you to do, even if it means taking a naive, young, blonde girl & putting her on the cover of every magazine.

Even in the face of this incredibly boring evidence, we're choosing to stick with our story. We are nothing if not true-believers.