Paris Hilton's Carl's Jr. Ad: Here Come The Burger-Selling Protests

In threatening to protest the new, "scandalous" Carl's Jr. commercial featuring celebutante skanktron Paris Hilton (in which a scantily-clad Hilton seductively washes a car, inserts a garden hose into her vagina, then fellates a cheeseburger as water sprays out of her ears like a fireplug in an economically-depressed area on a hot summer day), the watchdog group Parents Television Council demonstrates an admirable grasp of advertising principles:

"This commercial is basically soft-core porn," said Melissa Caldwell, research director for the Parents Television Council. "It's inappropriate for television."

Somehow, the conservative group failed to be offended by Carl's Jr.'s previous advertising campaign, where a mother tries to abort her unborn baby by devouring a jalapeno-encrusted burger, possibly because the besieged fetus threatens to rip out her uterus to save its own life. Maybe they'll call off the protest if the chain amends the commercial to include a similar happy ending, wherein a soapy Hilton urges kids not to engage in premarital sex— and is then crushed to death by a gigantic chastity belt falling from the sky.