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We feel like we say this more than we ever should for a Times reporter, but: poor Lola Oguinnake. She's got an enviable beat, digging up the latest in arts, nightlife, and pop culture — and yet she gets stuck trolling around Marquee or watching Nicole Richie pretend to eat. And as if these subjects weren't punishment enough, today Oguinnake profiles insanely successful music producer Scott Storch, the grotesque man responsible for Paris Hilton's forthcoming album and, perhaps, 70% of Louis Vuitton's profits. From what we can tell, Storch's only redeeming quality is that he smoked enough weed in Oguinnake's presence to give her a lovely secondhand high.

We recommend you read the piece just for a hateful chuckle, but if you can't make it past the first 5 paragraphs because of projectile vomiting, we've a handy list of why Scott Storch deserves to be bound, gagged, and flogged:

• He has called himself the Meyer Lansky of hip-hop.
• He bought Paris Hilton a Bentley while they were dating.
• He charges $80 - $90k per song and produced 80 tracks last year.
• He has a "leggy but silent" Brazilian girlfriend.
• His yacht is named Storchavelli.
• He owns 13 different cars and drives something different every day.
• He wears a 32-carat canary-yellow ring.
• He willingly posed for that portrait.

A Producer of Hip-Hop Gets Behind an Heiress [NYT]