Remember how Julia Allison, the sex columnist for A.M. New York (motto: "Charmin to the homeless"), was looking for an intern late last year? She's already nabbed one assistant, but when you're an up-and-comer like Julia, you need all the help she can get. An anonymous internet wag applied for the position, and was kind enough to pass along the correspondence. If you want to learn about Julia's upcoming projects, amazing contacts, and crazy schedule, join us after the jump. [Warning: Contains many words.]
Our anonymous prankster started with this:
My name is Johan More and I'm a junior PoliSci major at SUNY. (Yes, I know it's not Columbia or NYU — but we've still got plenty of pluck.) I saw your ad posted on the ED and think I'd be a great candidate for the position.
Here's my credentials:
1. Even though I'm male, I used to write a sex column for my high school newspaper titled "The Real Dilly" which became quite popular ( and controversial) thanks to a few pieces I did broaching the topic of "Rainbow Parties", "Can-can rubdowns", "Shlonking" and, of course, "Chocolate Starfish Mining". I was almost suspended for the last one, but you know, I pulled through thanks to my encylopedic knowledge of the 5th amendment.
2. I read all the women's magazines: Cosmo, Elle, Details(snicker), Bust, and even O!. I'm pretty sure that if I had the money for a sex change, I'd be the most popular woman at SUNY right now. Alas, I'm a dude, and saddled with modest endowment and a love of 2,000 thread count sheets. (Yeah, I'm more J.Lo than Jay-Z.)
3. I'm almost 100% gay. (I've yet to tell my Dad. He's a fireman in Teaneck. I figured I'd wait until after the holidays and just let him live in denial. I mean, what other 12-year-old boy do you know that loves Yaz? He's clueless...)
4. I'm super, super organized. I put post-it notes on my bathroom mirror to remind me to update my Blackberry. My roommates get piiiiiiiiiiiiissed.
So, if you'd like, I can send you some of the clips from my HS newspaper to give you an idea of my writing style. But my attitude and ambition is what matters most: I assure I'd be your best secretary, best lackey, best fashion consultant, and someone you could share gossip with on a daily basis. 5 hours per week?! Pshaw! You've got me on call, honey....
Thanks for your consideration,
Ms. Allison responded:
Hi John More!
I profusely apologize for the ridiculous delay in my response. I tend to get hundreds of emails and literally not know what to do with all of them ... Especially with the crazy holidays (I had this horrifically time consuming assignment with New York magazine to cover like, 18 holiday parties), I didn't have a chance to hire an intern.
I have to say, out of the thirty applications I got, yours really did stand out. You're obviously a fantastic, witty writer with a strong voice and - although I hate myself for using this phrase - you have a lot of spunk. I love it!
I think you would make a fantastic intern for me - especially as I'm the new sexpert for [redacted], and it looks like I'll be starting a [redacted] blog/column (blogum?) in the next month or so. Oh yes, and it also looks like I may be filming a reality tv show for [redacted] starting in March(ish), something like the real life sex and the city.
SO! A LOT going on, and I really need someone reliable ... My last intern was a disaster, but the ones before than (I've had about 5 since 2005, usually they stay with me for four months or so) were fantastic.
Let me know what you think - how much time you'd have to devote to it - as I said in the ad, I can't pay, but I will set you up with ridiculous contacts and there are a lot of auxiliary benefits - it's too bad you're not in NYC, because I get invited to a lot of events / shows, etc. Will you be here this summer?
Our man (or is he?) came back for more:
Julia! Wow! I didn't expect to see you in my inbox! But, this is quite a surprise! Hmm. Obviously, I wrote you this a few months ago, so I've got some other things lined up right now, but maybe I could rearrange — for you, my sweet relief!
Anyway, I was curious about these "contacts"? Not to put to fine a point on it, but obviously without payment I want to at least make sure I'll be getting a great rec from you after a few months of slavery/nose-powdering so I could, hopefully, light out on my own, like the sparkly little firecracker that I am at the end of our time together.
Hope that doesn't sound too bitchy? Does it? Slap me!
It looks like you've got a lot of great stuff lined up right now, though, so, obviously, I'd love to hold your purse and watch you soar to new heights.
Thanks again for getting back to me!
And Julia gave it her all:
Oh my lord, John ... No, sorry, JohAN - it's a damn good thing you're adorable and hysterical, or I WOULD slap you.
Darling, have you read my bio? I have contacts at some of the best magazines in this nation, nay, the world! Haha. I have amazing ins at Cosmo, Maxim, Men's Health, COED, Capitol File, the NY Daily News, the NY Post, the Times, etc etc etc. and I know at least one person at just about every other magazine here.
As far as what you'll be involved with - I'm the new sexpert on [redacted]. I just started doing commentary on CNN Showbiz Tonight and I do FoxNews three times a week. I'm hoping to start doing VH1's Best Week Ever soon - and I think you'd be perfect for helping me with bitchy, hilarious soundbites there! Oh yes, and I'm most likely doing a reality show for [redacted] that may start shooting in March. If you're down here at all when we're shooting, I'd love to integrate you into it ...
I'm hiring more than one assistant (probably 3), because with all this shit, it's a bit of work (not to mention that Fashion Week is coming up).
Tell me what you think - and will you be here this summer??
We're just a little sorry that she didn't mention her Gawker contacts! She knows everyone here! What gives, Jules?