The Post has a little fun at Cosmo's expense today, listing ten of the magazine's most common "boundary-pushing moves" and asking a collection of New York men how they feel about the sex tips. Not consulted? Our very own resident "sexpert" My Cock. We ran the list by him and got his reaction.
"Cup his hand against your mouth, and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his palm."
My Cock says: "Uh, excuse me, what the hell is this doing for me? Screw My Hand, it gets a pretty extensive workout already. Come on down to where the action is."
"Seductively lick a dab of food off your lips or finger. He'll imagine what that tongue would feel like on him."
My Cock says: "I'm a cock. I already know what your tongue is gonna feel like on me. Don't waste my time. Also, I don't need to hear you bitching about all the calories you consumed later."
"Make a silly bet to be paid off in sexual favors, or play a board game naked in bed and agree that the loser has to grant the winner one lusty request."
My Cock says: "Or how about this? You blow me, and we leave Monopoly way back in the hall closet where it belongs."
"Chill a bunch of marbles in the fridge. Toss them on the bed and make him lie on them while you straddle him."
My Cock says: "Yeah, nothing gets me hotter while you're doing me than the possibility that an errant cats-eye might wedge its way up My Ass. Next."
"Pre-oral action, pop a mint. You'll both get chills, because menthol triggers the body's cold receptors."
My Cock says: "Sure! Or maybe you could get some Vicks Vap-O-Rub and go to town on my tool. You ever hear a guy yell, 'Oh, yeah, baby, make it sting!'? No? There's a good reason for that."
"Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off."
My Cock says: "See above as regards calorie complaints. Also, I have a paranoid fear that a bunch of fire ants are going to sense the residual sugar and climb the tower. How am I going to explain those bumps?"
"Take an old strand of fake pearls and other beads and, holding each end, pull it back and forth around the shaft of his manhood."
My Cock says: "Ooh, it's Mardi Gras time in Shaftsburg! Pearls? Really? You want me to look like Laura Bush at a state dinner? You might as well just shove them up my ass. It might help get that marble from our last escapade unstuck."
"Take a sip of hot water - as hot as you can stand - before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around."
My Cock says: "Get the fuck out of here! This is the scariest thing I've ever heard of. What am I, a goddamn lobster? The only vaguely warm thing I ever want to feel on my body is your tongue, and then possibly my splooge. Hey, Balk, there's no way the bossman's gonna let me say splooge, is there? [Depends on how much attention he's paying today. - Ed.] [Actual Ed. Note: You've worn me down, Balk's Cock. Congratulations. Oh, how racy! You said "splooge"! Enjoy. What are we, 12? Is Sarah Silverman here or something? Ya trying to get a job with the slags at Jezebel?] Either way, do not try this at home. Or anywhere."
"Make ice from seltzer, then rub him down with the cubes. The carbonation leaves slushy pockets in the ice, so one minute he'll feel a solid touch from the cube; then next, a snowy clump melting on his skin."
My Cock says: "What the hell is wrong with these people? First you want to scald me to death and then you're going to turn me into some kind of frozen egg cream? Just blow me already! I don't need this Perrier crap."
"When fondling his manhood, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation."
My Cock says: "Yeah, ease up there, Vidal Sassoon. A woman I knew once tried this with a rubber band. Guess what? The results were unpleasant. Plus I felt like a character in a David Lynch movie. Look, ladies, it's easy: Mouth me. I'm a simple cock with simple needs. I know you want to be all arty and shit, but let's be honest, cocks like blowjobs because we don't have to do any work. Dodging freezing ice cubes and necklaces defeats the whole purpose. Thanks for your time."