When undisclosed circumstances of a personal nature prevented I Know Who Killed Me star Lindsay Lohan from fulfilling her promotional duties on the Tonight Show yesterday, the program's harried bookers turned to chameleon actor Rob Schneider, whose seamless transformation into the troubled starlet was so convincing that the studio audience seemed to have no idea that anything was amiss. Meanwhile, an embattled, post-arrest Lohan, beset on all sides by those willing to believe every lie spewed by the publicity-hungry Santa Monica Police Department before hearing her version of the story, reached out to the last fully adequite person in this accursed town: Access Hollywood b.f.f. Billy Bush. Her Blackberried words, as always, will move you:

When Billy e-mailed Lohan asking if everything was OK and if there was anything she wanted him to get out there for her, she responded, "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

Unfortunately, the brief, desperate missive to her last friend in the world did not address whether or not the pants she was wearing at the time of her arrest, in which a "small amount of cocaine" was so famously discovered, belonged to her. For now, we'll just have to take her at her word that someone else's drugs mysteriously found their way into her pocket, a plausible scenario that, in fairness, plays itself out dozens of times each night at post-clubbing DUI traffic stops all over Los Angeles.