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We can't remember the last time we actually bought a hard copy of Rolling Stone. But with all the buzz surrounding this issue's Britney Spears cover story, we found ourselves dashing to the newsstand first thing this morning and tearing through the issue as we drank our morning coffee. Needless to say, the piece does not disappoint. What follows are some of our favorite slices from Vanessa Grigoriadis' fascinating look of the person she describes as having "the most public downfall of any star in history."

· Grigoriadis describes Britney as being "an inbred swamp thing who chain-smokes, doesn't do her nails, tells reporters to 'eat it, snort it, lick it, fuck it' and screams at people who want pictures for their little sisters."

· On the trip that she took to Vegas where she ended up marrying her high-school boyfriend Jason Alexander, "she packed her bags on a plane for three days of partying in Las Vegas - cocaine during the evening, Ecstasy in the early morning and Xanax to sleep, according to Alexander."

· Britney lost her virginity to a high school boyfriend named Reg Jones at 14, despite repetitive claims that Justin popped her sacred cherry. [Britney denies this]

· In 2000, Britney covered the Rolling Stones' classic "Satisfaction." But when "she found herself in an elevator with Mick Jagger, she had no idea who he was."

· In 2002, Justin Timberlake broke up with Britney after finding "a mash note" written by Wade Robson in her dressing room, just hours before they were set to perform on Saturday Night Live.

· Britney's original concept for the "Everytime" video was for her "to die in an overflowing bathtub with pills and booze strewn around, and get reincarnated as a baby."

· During the time that he was a fixture on the L.A. club scene, Kevin Federline's nickname was "Meat Pole."

· Britney asked for her divorce from Federline via text message, which prompted K. Fed to write this on a bathroom wall: "Today I'm a free man - Fuck a wife, give me my kids, bitch!"

· After the famous shaving her head incident, "she stayed up for 48 hours straight, driving around, sucking down dozens of Red Bulls, afraid that she was being followed by demons, or that a cell-phone charger was taping her thoughts."

· During rehearsals for the 2007 VMAs, Justin Timberlake tried to mend fences with Britney by knocking on her dressing room door. Britney "refused to come out", as she was "waiting for a wig [created] by master coiffeur Ken Paves."

· Britney hired Sam Lufti as her manager based on this line item from his resume — he was Kevin Federline's private eye. He also endeared himself by revealing to Britney's assistant that there "was a tap on Britney's phones and a warrant to search her Malibu home for drugs."

· There are 20 members of the paparazzi assigned to follow Britney at all times.

To capsulize Rolling Stone's discoveries in one pointed conclusion, Grigoriadis summarizes Britney's current situation by saying, "she's the canary in the coal mine of our culture, the most vivid representation of the excesses of the past decade. She didn't think there was a tomorrow worth saving for, and neither did we."