Yes, yes, the fearsome, spineless, gooey jellyfish are coming to get us. This weekend, the Times weighs in with this dread tale about how rising "swarms" of jellyfish worldwide means the death of the ocean. I can't really argue with that, since I don't visit the rest of the world (I am told it's rather humid in parts), but then there's this piece from CBS detailing how the floaty little blobs are causing absolute hell on a certain beach closer to home. "In the waters off Long Beach, N.Y., swimmers aren't the only ones enjoying the surf: Jellyfish are showing up in droves. 'We were here a few weeks ago and there were a lot of jellyfish. We didn't even go in the water. It was horrible,' one teen told CBS News correspondent Susan Koeppen. And with thousands being stung by jellyfish this summer, lifeguards at Long Beach are armed with spray bottles filled with alcohol and water to take away the pain, says Koeppen." That's some bullshit right there.

Or mass hysteria. Even when there were "droves" of jellyfish at Long Beach a few weeks back, 90 percent of them were harmless clear ones. Of the red stingy variety, you might spot a few-little girls were scooping them out of the water and watching them jet around in their buckets. For the last two weeks, the beach has been red-jellyfish-free. By which I mean, there were a few of them drifting around here and there. Because there are always a few of them here and there in the summer. And there always have been! I love a good menace, but this isn't one.

So enough of all this monster and jellyfish nonsense. The only things we have to fear are monkeys and sharks. For now.