Yesterday the New York Post reported that A-Rod and Madonna crashed at Jerry Seinfeld's $103 million dollar pad in the Hamptons last week, having taken separate helicopters to get there for just a four-hour long stay. Now that the Dominican slugger is hanging out with the Seinfelds, there's not much question as to where he'll be spending his Rosh Hashanahs and Hanukahs, but what exactly did the magical couple do for four hours in the Hamptons before heading back in one copter? Here's an educated guess:When Alex married a woman he met at the gym while he nervously watched her train, he had dipped into the cougar pit for what was probably not the first time. As disturbing as we find the idea of Rodriguez worshipping the Kabbalah, if this is step one to making A-Rod a Jew, we have to support it. Here's how their time in the Hamptons broke down: 2 p.m.: Lunchtime! A-Rod has a cantaloupe, a Caesar salad and a Red Bull, while Madonna drains the blood of a vampire played by Stephen Root in order to maintain eternal life. 2:15 p.m.: Spongebob Squarepants. How do you fill your days?
2:30 p.m.: Alex does Jerry Seinfeld a favor and lies down in his bed for twenty minutes, creating a warm cavern of of baseball greatness for the homeowner to crawl into upon his return. While the greatest player ever naps besides her, Madonna texts Guy Ritchie, "I KNO UR GAY." 2:45 p.m.: Intercourse, but done Demolition Man style through cybernetic connectivity. Unprotected, natch. Madonna cries red tears afterwards.
2:55 p.m.: A-Rod's pal, Reds minor league first baseman Yonder Alonso, stops by. The two create many M.C. Escher-like photos in which they're staring at each other longingly in an escalating series of mirrors. Alex kisses Yonder on the neck before Madonna sucks his blood. 3:20 p.m.: The pair cuddle and watch a screener of the Anne Hathaway-Kate Hudson comedy Bride Wars while A-Rod checks out his PECOTA statistical projection for next year. 5:00 p.m.: Alex tries on yarmulkes in the nude while Madonna takes pictures with a camera that has no film in it. 5:30 p.m.: Before they leave, the two re-enact, word for word, the entire Seinfeld episode "The Deal" — in which Jerry and Elaine hilariously debate over what their relationship should be — to a standing ovation from the house's staff: