We can't believe an artifact like the Josh Brolin/Jeffrey Wright squad-car exchange actually exists, so hilarious is their post-tazing chemistry. The buddy comedy of the year inspired us to type out the whole damn thing.

Yes, the Defamer Transcription Dept.—whose work you've enjoyed previously in The Colin Farrell Sex Tape and A Visit with the Trumps—has once again turned in a masterful dramatic record.


JOSH: [Laughs] Want a kiss? Wanna kissy? Mwwwwah. Lets just lay back and relax man.

JEFFREY: No I know, but it's like uhhh...

JOSH: You can't say anything, man. I'm the only who can motherfucking say anything.

JEFFREY: Oh...my god. You gotta be fucking kidding me.

JOSH: It's unbelievable. Why did you think they were going to get you?...No no no, I understand for you. It's major. But for me, I mean, it's bad, man. I mean I didn't get in the way, man. I didn't even get in the way. I was like wait—what are you doing with him? Bottles were out.

JEFFREY: They didn't know they took that other person down.

JOSH: They maced me, man. They maced the shit out of me.

JEFFREY: They TAZED me in my back ribs! They stuck a tazer in there!

JOSH: [Laughs]

JEFFREY: They did the mace...

JOSH: I heard 'em. I heard 'em. I heard 'em. [Laughs] I heard 'em.

JEFFREY: Then they stuck the tazer and they went NYEEAOwwahhh.

JOSH: I heard 'em. I heard 'em. Jeffrey.

JEFFREY: I came here at like about 5 o'clock in the morning looking for a pizza one night...and I said, "What, you gonna, you gonna, what...it's like you don't serve anybody after 5?" And I said, "Shut the fuck up!" Josh it was something like ridiculous!

JOSH: Ohh my god.

JEFFREY: That I said to the sheriff—

JOSH: That's so fucking bad. It's so bad. It's so bad you can't even say anything. You can't even say anything. Just let me talk. But I've been here. This is my seventh time. I'm used to this shit. I'm used to this shit. [Laughs] I love it. I LOVE it.

JEFFREY: It's all good.

JOSH: My wife's gonna be so happy.

JEFFREY: Oh my god.

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