The US vs. Pirate war drums are beating. So what if the latest crop of pirates were ragged teenagers who died in qat withdrawal? The anti-piracy brigade of highly trained dolphins will destroy them!

We must start out with the most important development of all: dolphins have joined humanity in the fight against piracy:

Thousands of dolphins blocked the suspected Somali pirate ships when they were trying to attack Chinese merchant ships passing the Gulf of Aden, the China Radio International reported on Monday.

The Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.

The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while.

It's about time these marine mammals got off the sidelines! In somewhat more depressing news: the three pirates killed by HERO NAVY SEAL SNIPERS who fired the three most accurate shots in the history of war (SPECIAL SECTION: Navy SEAL Snipers and How Accurate Their Three Shots Were, P. 14-32) turned out to be teenagers. They were all from 17-19 years old. Jesus Christ. Also they were all grumpy and irritable like you, when you're out of cigarettes:

As they bobbed in the ocean near the USS Bainbridge, a Navy destroyer sent to rescue Phillips, the teenage pirates were experiencing withdrawal after days without khat, a mildly narcotic leaf chewed in for its stimulant effects. "They were realizing they were in a no-win situation," said a senior U.S. military official. "They were floating around in rough waters, they were tired. . . . These guys didn't have their chew with them."

Even people going in front of a firing squad usually get a last cigarette. That's just sad. In the meantime, three more ships were attacked by pirates. And since Somali Pirates are a monolithic group in constant communication with one another this means they are PROVOKING America, time for war war war war war. War on Piracy. We can model it on the War on Terror. It'll be a weary nation's great ego-booster!