Peeps been getting ridiculous tattoos for years; it marks some as animals. But there's rules to this game, I wrote you a manual. A step-by-step booklet, for you to get, your tats on track:

Rule Number Uno: No one respects a celebrity tattoo. 1. Our celebs are being torn down/everyone's a celebrity somewhere, so who cares? Only you, unfortunately. 2. Heaven forbid you actually run into that celeb of your dreams with a tattoo of their face on your arm. Talk about blowing your chance for romance. 3. What if your celebrity has a meltdown and starts calling everyone in the room the n-word (not "negro") and you're left with a bigot on your arm? Well, I guess in places where people get Kramer tattoos that might actually be pretty sweet.

Rule #2: Tattoos are not photogenic. These types of tats may be ridiculous, but they engender more sympathy from normals since they obviously come from a good place: I love you, wife! I love you, baby girl! Who wants to hate on that? Alas, the vision in your mind is most likely not obstructed by hair, blemishes, pimples, etc that require constant maintenance. Also, she looks like a horror movie promotional trailer now. Pass. The skin is not an ideal canvas, keep the photo-realistic art on paper.

Rule # 3: No penises (uh, NSFWeekend?), period.. Ok, we get it, peens make you giggle. Or they make you edgy. But constant looking at one often makes you vomit; that's why most BJs happen in the dark. Not that you would know with your penis tattoo driving all the prospective BJs away. No matter how you dress it, no penis-tat will ever make you "lucky". (btw, looking at this book and gallery, there are a lot of penis tattoos out there. Too many. It probably demands a New Yorker-style sprawling deconstructing-of-process investigation. Maybe a freelance project for Dan and the Mrs.? But until such a cover story is commissioned, do keep the penises behind clothed doors.)

Rule #4: All the funny text shit? Dead it. These readable-tats are particularly fascinating because they often show true flashes of genius. Oh, but I just forgot to italicize the "flashes" part of that statement. Because after the flash, or brainfart, such genius is challenged by the irrepressible idiocy of making this moment permanent. There are real existential issues at odds here, people. Discuss.

Rule #5:Never get high on your own supply. Well I really just wanted to include that lyric at the end here, but I could care less if you use the drugs that you purchased in bulk, or if you just sell them. To people before they get tattoos. But this dolphin smoking a bong in a recliner does seem to demonstrate the concept neatly.


Photos courtesy of: Aviva Yael. To see more of "The Best, Worst, and Most @#$%ing Ridiculous Tattoos Ever, buy the book!