Scientists who were definitely All Fucked Up have found the long-sought treatment that soothes troubled heroin addicts: Heroin.

The scientists found that heroin addicts who were given free heroin, in a clinic, "did better" than addicts given methadone. What the fuck does "did better" mean, in a scientific sense? The LAT reports:

After one year, 88% of those in the [free heroin] group were still in treatment, compared with 54% in the methadone group.

"In treatment" they get free heroin!

They were also more likely to curb their illegal behavior – including use of illicit drugs – by a margin of 67% to 48%.

Except for the free heroin!