There's something admirable about this disturbingly awesome invention for the heartland, these Winkers™ pants: the fatter you get, the better they work. All of America, from coast to chubby coast, will soon need this clever thing, no?

The nervous excitement at Winkers™ HQ is certainly palpable. "Patent pending," the website declares, adding that the product has just been reintroduced "in the 4th of July Parade in Hailey, Idaho 2009." Yes, "LICENSING IS AVAILABLE," and it's also recommended, because if you try anything, will be on you like a pair of jeans pulled taut over an ample rump.

We were most excited about the "Lion in the Jungle" pants (left), which are totally worth the $569, but then we picked up hints of even more exciting new product lines:

Some dresses and lingerie will also wink. I do not have a satisfactory way to decorate lingerie though. Perhaps later.

We wouldn't wait too long guys; "Winker panties" is an even sexier concept than the jeans thing. HAVE YOU EVEN FILED A PATENT ON THAT YET?? You all have the power to walk us out of this recession, one "crease between your buttock and the top of your leg" at a time! Hop to!