Shamelessly corrupt dictator-presidents should know that predicting a near-100 percent victory two days before an election is bad behavior, even for them. Unless they care more about enriching themselves while their country starves, like Equatorial Guinea's Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo.

First off, let's just get this out of the way: Fuck Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo.

While his playboy son spends his way up and down Rodeo Drive, Papa Mbasogo is predicting the near-impossible: That his impoverished people will vote him back into office by an almost unanimous vote after more than 30 years of rule, during which Obiang has has turned Equatorial Guinea into a "private cash machine" for him and his cronies.

From the AP:

Equatorial Guinea - a violent land of coups, petrodollar wealth and killer poverty - is holding a presidential election Sunday that its leader of 30 years says he will win by more than the 97 percent garnered in the last widely criticized vote...

"I am the people's candidate and I don't see anyone who can go against the will of the people," Obiang, 67, said at a rally Sunday.

OH REALLY? The only reason you are the "people's candidate," Obiang, is that you are their only candidate. According to one analyst quoted by Bloomberg, "There is no credible opposition to speak of, given the hegemony of the PDGE [Obiang's party]."

Or maybe the people of Equatorial Guinea are really inspired by Obiang's record. Let's take a look. Equatorial Guinea's GDP has increased more than 5,000 percent since oil was discovered in 1995, but the AP reports...

Some 60 percent [of Equatorial Guineans] struggle to survive on less than $1 a day. The U.N. Children's Fund says child mortality has increased and a third of children never complete primary school.

The average citizen is unlikely to live beyond 50, yet someone in Brazil — with an average annual income of less than $10,000 — can expect to live to 72.

''It's a scandal,'' said political analyst Paul-Simon Handy of the South African Institute for Security Studies. ''Only some 30 to 40 percent of the population has access to clean water and electricity.''

A chicken in every pot! What's that? You don't have enough money to buy a pot? Well we don't have a chicken for you, either.

Oh, and you better believe that Western governments are helping prop up Obiang's rule—or at least turning a blind eye to its infinite shittiness—in return for the privilege of suckling at its sweet petroleum-laced teats.

Honestly, Obiang, completely fucking over your country's people is bad enough. But pretending they are actually stupid enough to keep electing you to do it? Somebody needs to crash this guy's state dinner in a major way.