Today we have news about America's favorite golfer/sexual being. We hear more stuff about Michael Jackson's death and about Charlie Sheen's legal troubles. Plus a Casey Johnson item. Saddest Gossip Roundup ever? Well, no. Probably not.

  • As we are all very well aware, golf hobbyist Tiger Woods didn't just get a hole in one, he got a hole in many. But were some of those conquests... men? Yes they were, according to one of his lady mistresses, the Italian model Loredana Jolie. She's peddling the information as she tries to get a book deal. So it must be true! In related news, Greg "The Shark" Norman has slunk away with a red face, wishing furiously that the Old Fashioneds at the Augusta clubhouse weren't so damn strong. [NYDN]
  • The Michael Jackson Death Investigation is complete, trumpets TMZ today. The conclusions are said to confirm what we'd long suspected: Michael Jackson is, in fact, dead. [TMZ]
  • Deceased young person Casey Johnson left a daughter behind, and it appears as though her family will take responsibility for raising the child. Tila Tequila will be humanely put to sleep. [TMZ]
  • Guys, Khloe Kardashian is *not* pregnant. She's just fat! Ha ha ha. But seriously, who really cares if Khloe Kardashian is pregnant or not? No one. What I'm curious about is how many times do you think someone's made a Kardashian/Cardassian joke? I want to make one every time I say anything about these people, but I always stop myself. Sigh. Life is hard. [People]
  • The newly bespectacled Britney Spears is upset because her boyfriend/fiance/whatever is supposedly cheating on her with other girls (and with Tiger Woods). Like most people do when they're sad or mad, Spears stormed off to stay in the penthouse of a five star hotel. It's like it's hard to have a relationship and be Britney Spears at the same time or something. [Mirror]
  • A contrite Charlie Sheen is set to go to court to be judged for his misdeeds. We're sure Sheen knows he's done terrible, terrible things. There's really no way to ever truly make it right again, but he can at least tbe genuinely sorry and try to pay society back for all that the awful things he's done, time and time again. I mean, that show has been on for seven seasons. I can't believe it's taken this long for a judge to haul him into court for it. [Mirror]
  • Oh, Vicks. You're so wicks! Victoria Beckham, a little matchstick that someone wrapped a dress around, supposedly went out and spent almost a million dollars on a shopping spree. Reports say she bought 20 pairs of D&G shoes, 12 pairs of Versace sunglasses, 30 pounds of mink fur, a strange whirring old steam-powered machine called a Slenderizer, the still-beating heart of Emma Bunton, three broomsticks, the country of Poland, and a McDonalds Happy Meal — of which she took a few lazy bites, then tossed out the window, speeding off into the velvety night in her diamond-studded rocket limousine. [ShowbizSpy]