On last night's slightly depressing episode of America's favorite gay flea market, the girls were tasked with their most difficult challenge yet: making old people look somehow like normal, likable humans. It was a doozy!
Before any of that happened though, the five remaining ladies had to do a quick mini-challenge. It involved looking at baby pictures of all of this season's twelve queens and then matching them up with current headshots. This was hard because most babies usually don't wear wigs and pancake makeup. I mean, some do. I'm not trying discriminate against babies who wear wigs and makeup. They are wonderful and special babies and that is their baby choice and we must respect that. But, again, most babies don't wear wigs and makeup, so it was a slightly hard challenge. All the girls got at least one right, because it was a gimme. Remember Mystique Summers Madison? She was the plus size queen who went home a long, long time ago. Well her "baby picture" was just a Photoshop of her current head on a baby's body, sitting in a field. After the challenge was over, Ru was like "Oh, I should explain the Mystique thing. All of her baby pictures were lost in a fire." And then the camera cut to a new scene! That was it. "There was a terrible fire, and that's all we're going to say about that." Such strange editing, Drag Race editors. Such strange, delightful editing. (Not that fires eating baby pictures are delightful, just that the random tragic tidbit with absolutely zero follow up was delightful in a weird way.)
Moving on! Ru sounded a horn and a panel in the wall slid open and out trundled five dessicated corpses, weary and war-beaten old man creatures with grizzled faces and deep ponds of regret in their eyes. OK, I'm kidding. They were mostly just older dudes. Older dudes who were willing to go on RuPaul's Drag Race, which is a little weird yes, but the way the whole thing was talked about you'd have thought they dug up Oscar Wilde's skeleton and were like "Make it beautiful!"
Tatianna got to pick first and assign all the other Drag Moms (this is what we were calling them) because she won the baby challenge. (Oddly, she thought the picture of Mystique was Morgan McMichaels as a child. And, oddly, she was right.) She gave Juju her choice, because they are friends. And she stuck her archenemy, Raven, with the oldest and ugliest one of the bunch. He had a beard! What is one to do with a beard. What's that? Just shave it off? Oh, I see. So everyone grumbled about age and death and dying and RuPaul made an announcement. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Mystique has had an accident and has lost the use of her face." CUT.
The biggest challenge of the challenge wasn't the actual making pretty of the elderly, it was that the old guys were all kinda bizarre. Increasingly bizarre as the episode went on. Raven's fellow had a bunch of bizarre piercings in his belly button, through which he stuck various office supplies and household implements. A coupla the other fellas turned out to be ruhhlll queens. (Though I suspect they were playing it up a bit, or a lot, for the cameras.) Basically we all learned an important lesson: Old people do not just become one Old People blob when they turn into old people. They are individuals with personalities and weirdnesses and all that stuff that all the taut-skinned youngs have, too. Isn't that incredible? Next thing you're going to tell me is that women think about things other than weddings and chocolate and crock pots.
So everyone slapped on their makeup and learned their lip-syncing song and it was time for the big show. Before they went out on the stage, Ru asked them to let him know if anyone spotted Mystique's missing legs. Then we cut abruptly and she was out there in a purple dress saying hi to the special panel of judges. And do you know who was on that damn panel? Debbie friggin' Reynolds. Yes, Singin' in the Rain herself. And you know who else was there? Cloris fuckin' Leachman. The Leach. Oscar winner. God bless her. They just laughed and clapped a lot and thought the whole thing was just a sketch, what a hoot. I think they need to have their own reality show. Can we make that happen, TV bigwigs?
The whole performance part was, as expected, a little awkward. Tatianna's old lady had a bit of a limp owing to major health problems, but she persevered. Raven's gal cleaned up nice. Jujubee's looked not unlike what would happen if Dom DeLuise was one of the SilverHawks. Pandora Boxx made a bigger, older version of herself. Tyra did an unexpectedly great job with a hilarious and wonderful wig and fun matchy-matchy outfits. Most of the old queens did decently with the lip-syncing, except for the SilverHawk, who barely opened her mouth. Most fun of all was Tatianna's with a limp, because they did a fun/creepy wheelchair thing and the old gal really knew how to ham it up. So while it was all a little sad, it was mostly a lot happy. And having Debbie Reynolds and Cloris Leachman judge your little drag routine? Just about all anyone can ask for in this life, young or old.
Once the show was over, RuPaul made a sad announcement that Mystique had been in a shipwreck and then the cameras cut to the judging. Debbie was all "Dance 3, Looks 10" and Cloris just sorta went "Haha!" and slapped the table a lot. Raven ended up winning the damn competish because of an impromptu moment at the end where she carried her ailing drag mom off the runway. It showed the softer side of Raven, I suppose. The finch or the skylark. In the bottom two were Pandora for being upstaged by her gregarious mom and Jujubee, because Dom DeLuise didn't really do anything. Can you believe that? Who do you root for when it's the two most fun ones fighting against each other?
I chose Jujubee, because I think she has a better shot at winning and despite her mom's failure, she looked sensational. And though she sorta whiffed the performance during the actual challenge, she is a good lip-syncer. So she handily beat Pandora, whose time had come, I suppose. I kind of wanted Tatianna to go home, just because she seems very dumb and is sort of dull. She didn't know who Oscar Wilde was! Oscar Wilde. Her drag mom's reaction to that was priceless. "Excuse me?"
Before Ru issued her final judgment, she informed everyone that Mystique had been in a terrible tractor explosion and then it cut to commercial. Then the sad Pandora news was delivered and, like a true comedienne, she did a wonderful pratfall as she left the stage. Cloris bellowed "Haha!" and Debbie did a little soft-shoe and everyone sung the olds to eternal sleep.
And now there are only four left! Who do you think will win? My money's on Raven. But I want it to be Juju.
Oh, and Mystique has rabies. Bye!