Think undervalued currency is a big deal? Think again, naïve American, because China will soon have control of your ass, or at least what you wipe it with. Get ready for a lifetime of pain and suffering in the bathroom.

You might ask yourself, "How does China's economic grip reach my ass?" It's simple: they're buying up all of our used paper, which we recycle into toilet paper, and are hoarding it for themselves. Wired asked Jeff Phillips, from recycled toilet paper maker Seventh Generation:

The cost of office waste paper has skyrocketed (more than doubled) in the last six months primarily as a result of China re-entering the market," Phillips wrote in an e-mail to "There has [also] been a reduction in availability due to more offices trying to reduce paper consumption and through the use of electronic media."

So you can't just blame the Chinese. Look no further than those damn tree-hugging hippies in your office who refuse to use high-quality, long fiber, white paper from nice big trees to print out office email jokes. But if you're still mad as hell at the Chinese, which you should be, then just hold tight for the remake of the 1980s classic Red Dawn, coming in November. We'll show them.

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