Michael Lohan, a person talented and accomplished enough to have had a daughter who was famous for a while five years ago, is opening up a nightclub in the Hamptons called, pathetically, Controversy. Don't worry! They'll screen for drugs there.

Yeah, lest you worry that Lohan — the father of freckled Hindenburg Lindsay — would encourage rampant drug use and drunken driving, he insists that the club, in which he's an investor, will offer a valet service for drunk people and they will "screen for drugs." Oh he must have bought one of those Drug-O-Matic sensor things that Smiths Detection makes. Good for him. But really the important thing is that name. Controversy. Because everyone likes to feel like an embattled celebrity! "Ohh let's go to Controversy, and be controversial, because the E! network just learned that word, like when they learned the word 'media,' so we should go be that and do that. Controversy. Sounds exciting." Yay America.