Fellow Americans: our diet has failed. More than 90% of us eat too much salt. We have to tax ourselves just to stop overdosing on soda. It's embarrassing. Fear not—an easy guide to eating healthy is just below!

  • Never eat any food made in America.
  • Sure, Cheetos taste delicious. But have you ever tried them dipped in Ranch dressing? Even better.
  • Wait at least 30 minutes after eating to go swimming. This means you will never go swimming.
  • Before you add extra salt to your food—stop! Ask yourself, "Does this food really need more salt?" Only add salt if the answer is "yes," rather than "no."
  • Instead of three big meals per day, try eating five or six smaller meals. Then watch that gradually evolve into five or six huge meals, and rue the day you took that advice.

Humans must get sufficient amounts of eight essential amino acids every day in order to survive. Before eating, break all your food down into isoleucine, leucine, lysine, methionine, phenylalanine, threonine, tryptophan, and valine to ensure you have enough.

  • Eat your vegetables. If you can't find vegetables, eat nothing.
  • If you find yourself becoming anorexic, your weight loss problems are solved.
  • Did you know that Coca-Cola will literally dissolve a penny, if you leave it in there long enough? It really makes you think. Specifically, makes you wonder if you can still drink the Coke after that. Try it and find out.
  • Japanese people eat a naturally healthier diet than Americans. Yea, except for the atom bomb fallout, amirite? USA.

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