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Last night our squad of wannabe designers was cloven down the middle to form two teams: "The Golden Children" and the "Bad News Bears." It was a battle for the ages, and General Tim Gunn was not pleased.
No, Grampa Gunn raged against "The Golden Children" because they were sucky and mean and lead by an evil ogre named Gretchen. But we are getting head ourselves. The challenge was the create a six-look "collection" showcasing trends from 2010. They selected teams and Michael C started by picking Gretchen. April started by picking Mondo. Michael C's team, had all the challenge winners. Aprils team had the merry misfits. Michael C's team decided to do a menswear-inspired collection with camel and dubbed themselves "Team Luxe." April's team chose a military theme using lace and were called "Team Military and Lace." Oh, the creativity of that bunch.
Things We Hated:
- Team Challenges: I always hate the team challenges. I think they suck and I think they're unfair to the better designers because they end up getting chopped for being too ambitious or trying to lead and the shitty designers skate by. I especially hated this one because Team Luxe Luthor was all, "We're going to collaborate. We're so nice and egalitarian. We are the design equivalent of the Park Slope Food Co-op. YAY." Ugh.
- Peter Butler from Garnier: It's bad enough when we have to deal with the sponsors, and having this guy around just reminds me that Collier Strong from Glory Hole Paris will be along any day now. And Peter Butler committed one of the Runway sins last night and went for "old Hollywood glamor." Ugh, is anything more trite, especially when the team asked for edgy and modern? "Old Hollywood" is the opposite of modern, you moron. And I have a feeling he hit on my boyfriend the Makeup Daddy, too.
- Ivy Wants to Be Gretchen: Gretchen is horrible, but I think Ivy is even worse. It's one thing to be an evil villain, because you can't help your nature. It's even worse to be the henchman who is always like, "Yeah, what she said!" and pretending that she's just as mean and awesome and villainous, when really she's just an easily-swayed copycat.
- The Princess and The Pea: I hate that Casanova won (spoiler alert!) and I hate that he threw a giant diva fit the one week he knew that everyone had to go and comfort him and tell him he's pretty and talented because if they didn't then everyone would have lost. What made it even worse is that it was his model that convinced him to start sewing again. Why are we letting the models talk?
- Grampa Sweater: First it was the boyfriend jean and now it's the "grampa sweater." Will ladies please stop stealing boys clothing? All that menswear consists of is suits, blazers, pants, dress shirts, and T-shirts maybe with a sweater or two thrown in. The items get dressier or casualier (is that a word?) but it's all the same. Women get all of those and skirts and dresses and halters and gowns and cowls and all that other fun shit. Stop wearing our clothes! We're going to be naked! And Grampa Gunn is pissed you stole his look.
- "Collection": This is one of those Project Runway traps. They say "make a collection," but then if everything looks the same, you get called out for having no variety. If everything looks different, you get called out for having no cohesion. Why are they so obsessed with the idea of a collection? It's like creating a fashion sphinx riddle just so the judges will have something to talk about.
- Fucking Gretchen: Not only is she awful, but she got up on that stage and was like "all for one, one for all, our stuff rules" and then changed around on a dime. "Yeah, I knew it sucked and I had to save it." God, she doesn't realize that she is a bad person, does she? And she is the ultimate mean girl, inspiring all the other girls to try to be like her. I can't stand her. She's such an ogre, like Skinny Shrek.
- AJ Goes Home: It should have been Gretchen. I know I hate team challenges because the good designers (Skinny Shrek) get penalized when the bad ones (AJ) skate by, but, really Gretchen should have gone home this week. She lead the whole enterprise astray.
Things We Loved:
- April: On Michael C picking Gretchen: "Do you want to hire Hitler?" If I were on this show, April would be my friend. She's not the best and she knows she's over her head, but she's uncompromisingly herself, and that is something that should always be rewarded.
- The Underdogs: I always root for them and this is why. It was so great to see the scraggly team pull out a victory, especially because you know the cool kids thought they were going to coast by and win easily and losing to these clowns stings twice as much.
- Swatch, the Mood Dog: Just because.
- Tim Gunn's Plaid Tie: Decidedly un-Grampa! Bravo...I mean, Lifetime.
- Valerie Speaks in Spanish: If I were on this show, Valerie would also be my friend. She's the girl who gets close to the mean girl (like Skinny Shrek) but then decides that she hates the mean girl and turns away from her and hangs with the losers, but her knowledge of the mean girl is invaluable. Then she spoke Spanish to Casanova, which was just badass. I love her.
- Sweet Potato: That is the Makeup Daddy's name. Stay away from my man, Peach!
- Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Turns on Gretchen: Wow, one bad showing on the runway, and NGFDMCM has already turned on Gretchen. Does this mean she actually might not win?
- Tim Flips Out: The great thing about Grampa Gunn (aside from the Werther's Originals in the pockets of his cardigan) is his equanimity. He always seems to like everyone, or at least pretends to. When he marched in there and just cussed Gretchen out it was actually shocking. So appropriate and so shocking. It's like his plaid tie made him do it or something. The second best part is that Gretchen looked like the drowned girl from The Ring in her interview about it. Ha! Watch the clip above already, will you.
In the end, Team Luxe lost for recreating the looks of the girls from Apartment 3G and trying to pass them off as innovation. AJ went home, even though everyone threw Michael C under the bus. Isn't he glad he had immunity! Team You Never Though We'd Win scored a victory for creating the nicest set of lampshades that the Amarillo Cracker Barrell had ever seen! Casanova was declared the winner because Heidi Klum liked his outfit so much she wanted to wear it. That's a sort of backhanded compliment because Heidi wears some ugly shit.