Hey bitches and Kath-eters alike, I'm the new intern at Gawker. Here's my first journalistic assignment. Enjoy these photo captions. Oh, I'm on an Ambien, Adderall & the world's last remaining Quaalude.

"Woohoo! I AM a goddess. Look, he finally took a shower. He has a collar shirt on and EVERYTHING!!!" [Image via INF]

"Oh crap, I guess I shouldn't be trying to steal this new Mercedes with this blue wig on. Everyone's LOOKING!" [Image via INF]

"Reminder to self: return this tank top I'm wearing to Miley, as she would def see it as an Oscar dress contender." [Image via Pacific Coast News]

"Excuse me, sir?? I'm at my own movie premiere and I'm not sure how to pronounce my own last name. Any ideas??" [Image via Getty]

If that was my dad, I'd be really embarrassed. [Image via Pacific Coast News]

"Is this daisy covering my no no parts? Because some one behind me thinks me a virgin. Shhhhh." [Image via Getty]

If there's a god in heaven, the blond is Debbie Reynolds and these two are about five minutes away from a girl fight."[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

"I can't scream in to Jake Gyllenhaal's cock anymore, so this microphone will have to do." [Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Stiffler's Mom gets de-flowered...again. For the last time...honest. [Image via Getty]