Charlie Sheen's live show was terrible, unsurprisingly. Lindsay Lohan might play a murder victim. Kate Middleton has six hairdressers. Bad things are happening in the world; let's numb ourselves with a Sunday Gossip Roundup!

  • The first night of Charlie Sheen's comedy show in Detroit, "Violent Torpedo of Truth Defeat Is Not an Option" was so bad it ended 20 minutes early because everyone left and booed him off stage. According to reports, "Violent Torpedo" was a disjointed, self-indulgent, unfunny mess of old clips featuring Sheen, stupid catchphrases, a video of him playing Call of Duty and unfortunate dissing of Detroit. When audience members started booing, he replied "I've already got your money, dude." So, yes, a failure. It's hard to feel sympathy for the people who walked out, though, considering we've all seen how terrible Sheen was in his live web show. The man is entertaining in small, distant doses, like a polar bear at the zoo. Just don't get in the cage. 19 shows to go! [AP, TMZ , TMZ The Hollywood Reporter]
  • Lindsay Lohan's next role might be as Charles Manson victim Sharon Tate. "Eyes of a Dreamer" is a new film directed by celebrity photographer Tyler Shields, who will also play Manson. She already blew that chance to play a porn star, so only murder victims are left. [TMZ]
  • Pictures have emerged of "The City" star Samantha Swetra's fat lip after she got punched in the face by 26-year-old permadrunk Boardwalk Empire star Paz de la Huerta. For a small person, Paz has a strong right hook. Never underestimate the strength-giving properties of whiskey. [TMZ]
  • The Daily Mail thinks it was indecent of Kim Kardashian to wear a cleavage-flaunting dress to Nickelodeon Kids' Choice awards. But kids love breasts! [Daily Mail]
  • Elizabeth Hurley filed for divorce from her husband, Indian textile heir Arun Nayar because of his "unreasonable behavior". But the were already split up and she's been hooking up with Australian cricket star Shane Warne. Unclear if this counts as a step up in England? [People, Daily Mail]
  • While we're on British stuff: Kate Middleton is going to have six stylists for the Most Important Wedding of All Time. That's one for each of the continents once under the control of the British Empire. Isn't hairstyling subject to the law of diminishing returns? Are you really going to get that much better hair from six stylists than three… or even two? [Radar]
  • Alias star Michael Vartan got married to Lauren Skaar. They met at a Whole Foods, which means their kids are going to be local and organic. [People]
  • Sting snubbed a little 12-year-old fan at the hit broadway show "The Book of Mormon": When the kid told him that "Message in a Bottle" was his favorite song, Sting replied "I'm not Sting. I'm some British dude." That kid's favorite son is probably not "Message in a Bottle" any more. [P6]