We already know that nearly everyone with a desk job is going to get bowel cancer, thanks to new research. And sugar will give you cancer, as long as you manage to survive the heart attack that precedes it. But now, thanks to even newer research, we learn that even if you think you're getting enough exercise, you probably aren't and are going to die because you spend way too much time sitting on the couch, eating shitty food and watching shittier television.

Professor Steven Blair from the University of South Carolina led a study of men to find who is at risk of dying from heart disease and the findings are pretty clear: "Those who were sitting more were substantially more likely to die," he told NPR. Well, that's one way of putting it. Additionally, if you spend 23 hours a week doing "sedentary activity," well, you're really fucked and now have a 64 percent better chance of dying from heart disease than someone who only spends 11 hours loafing around each week.

So what can you do to keep yourself from dying in a La-Z-Boy covered in Doritos, or worse — in your cubicle at work? It's simple, actually. You can just "wiggle around, take a few steps back and forth, march in place" for one minute a few times a day, or sit on an exercise ball, and you'll be totally fine.

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