The FDA's main plan to getting Americans to give up the vile weed "tobacco" is to put increasingly nasty photos in increasingly prominent places on cigarette packs, until it simply becomes too socially awkward for anyone to carry around cigarettes. This will not work. But it's entertaining to watch the process! "Entertaining" meaning "nasty."

The FDA put out its new, grosser cigarette warning labels today. And though, yes, many of them are gross, they bear a certain 1990s-special-effects look that detracts from their impact. The hole in that guy's throat is totally fake! The staples in the guy's chest look like Halloween makeup! And the "I Quit" guy's not even a heartthrob! It'll take much, much more to warn Americans off those glamorous, be-cooling cigarettes. They look so cool, how the smoke comes out and all that.

Here in New York we've already been bombarded with nasty surgery ads and some lady with no fingers left, and people are still out there buying $13 packs. You've got to step it up, FDA. Shoot smokers to kill. This "War" on smoking is going far too slowly.

[Peruse all the new warning labels here]