Happy Bastille Day! For those of you who don't know, Bastille Day is the French ripoff of July 4th, but they hold it 10 days later so they can pretend like it's their own special thing. That's so like France! Anyway, today we're declaring our independence from these awful French things.
Don't get me wrong: France has given us many wonderful things. Aside from the toast and the fries, there is Louis Pasteur and the Eiffel Tower and Coco Chanel and face transplants. Those are all great. But there are still those awful French things that annoy the hell out of me. Here are 10 that we'd like them to take back forever.
The Metric System: This started in France and they infested the rest of the world with it. Now we're the only country strong enough to hold out forever. While we stick to our inches and ounces, their centimeters and grams are always on our packages thumbing their noses at us. Face it, France, we're Americans and we're not backing down on this, so just leave us alone, already. [Image via Shutterstock]
The Bayonet: What a stupid weapon this is! It's a gun with a knife attached to it. Why? So you can stab a corpse after you shoot it? This makes no sense. Do you know what the only thing you should attach to a gun is? Another gun! Or maybe a Taser. That would be cool. [Image via Shutterstock]
Michel Foucault: This master of deconstruction has been poisoning American minds for a few generations now. You can't go to any university in American without learning about his power dynamics and screwy theories about human sexuality. Listen here, Foucault, all you need to know about anything is right there on the surface, and if you go digging any deeper you're just asking for trouble. This guy probably believes in evolution too! [Image via 2010Jade's Flickr]
The Airplane: OK, we're not sending this back to France, but we are sending back the idea that they invented it. Have they never seen the North Carolina license plate? The airplane was invented by the Wright Brothers right here in Amerrrca, and if you say differently, then we're going back in time and putting every World War II soldier on an airplane and flying them all back home. [Image via Shutterstock]
Foie Gras: Gross. First of all any food that has to be spread on a cracker is not a real food, it's some sort of condiment. Yes, that includes you, hummus. Second of all, it's beige! Have the French never heard of food dye? Can't they make it like nuclear waste orange or a deep shade of red? That's how food is supposed to look. And what is this stuff even made of? If we're going to eat mysterious food, we want it to because we don't know what Bilucasodiamataze is, not because we don't know how they got this gelatinous goop. [Image via Shutterstock]
Les Misérables: Yes, this musical was an international collaboration, but if it weren't for the French story by Victor Hugo, there wouldn't be an overly long, boring musical about some jerk who stole a loaf of bread. This thing is like a cancer and we finally got it off of Broadway, but people still love it. It was even on that bastion of patriotic programing PBS. Sorry, but if you want a musical about the struggle for freedom, it's got to be 1776 or nothing. [Image via Rick Payette's Flickr]
Christian Audigier: There are many fine french fashion designers, but there is one that really needs to be extradited for his crimes against fashion. Yes, Christian Audiger, the man who invented the blinged-out horribleness that is Ed Hardy. Is this some sort of insidious plot to ruin the beauty of America with his overly embellished bullshit? Yes, send him back to France and introduce him to his countryman, Madame Guillotine. [Image via Getty]
Maids: French maids don't really do anything except hang around in barely any clothing looking sexy. We have a word for that in America: It's called a stripper. Yes, if we want to see some tits and ass, we go see a nice young lady with daddy issues to make us feel better. And not only will be get to see her tits and ass rather than silly ruffles, she'll even give us a good grind. Just like everything else, we like our maids made in America. [Image via Shutterstock]
Mopeds: There are bicylces and there are motorcycles. One keeps you nice and fit and is good for racing (just ask million time Tour de France winner, Lance "America" Armstrong) and the other is preferably a Harley that shows just how macho you are while using up just as much gas as a small sedan. Why do we need some weak scooter in between? We're not here to talk about Italy but Vespa, consider yourself on notice. [Image via Shutterstock]
Dominique Strauss-Kahn: Naturellement. [Image via Getty]