Christopher "Dudus" Coke was the baddest cross-dressing drug lord in Jamaica—it literally took an army to bring him down. Now, he's about to be sentenced in New York. He'd like leniency, please. Why? Because! Stuff, and things.

The NYT has Coke's seven-page letter to federal judge Robert Patterson, who's preparing to sentence him for breaking every law ever invented by the ingenious human mind. He could get 23 years in prison, but he'd rather not get 23 years in prison. "I am humbly pleading for leniency and for your discretion, if it is possible for you to sentence me below the guideline range or if you could run my sentence concurrent, which would be greatly appreciated."

He would appreciate it!

Dudus cites his family's pain, his generally shitty and inhumane treatment in prison (fair enough), and then several pages of his charity work in Jamaica, such as founding a youth club which would "groom the elderly," and holding a Christmastime "Community Jamboree."

We would also say in his defense that the international "War on Drugs" is an unjust farce that should be ended immediately. But, on the downside, running a drug gang fond of showering people with machine gun bullets and hiding out while 76 people are killed as the police hunt for you is probably something that outweighs your Community Jamboree work (on the negative end).

Some call Coke "the Hitler of the Caribbean."