Well well well, quaint old New England is "reaching out" to its youth with a simple message: please, don't move away as soon as you get the chance. Sorry, "New" England. The youth are not about to be suckered into spending any more time there than absolutely necessary.

The WSJ reports that states all over New England are launching marketing campaigns, internship programs, college comedy tours—anything to keep young college grads from fleeing New England for other, better places. Well, it won't work. Any idiot can do the math on New England:

Plus: Quaint.
Minus: Quaint.

Plus: Fall foliage, apple picking.
Minus: Your lifeless body was found frozen atop Mount Washington after you went out for a quick October hike.

Plus: Skiing.
Minus: Eight months a year of icy hell, virtually entombing you in a pre-modern lifestyle of woodchopping and indoor-huddling.

Plus: Maple syrup.
Minus: I can buy maple syrup at the grocery store near my home in a real city.

Plus: Bed and breakfasts.
Minus: Bed, breakfast are brief respites from unyielding depression centered on the fact that you just can't seem to escape New England, and the people that live there.

Plus: You can spot a wild black bear from your back yard.
Minus: He ate you.

Plus: Boston.
Minus: Fuck Boston.

[Photo: Lucio Eastman/ Flickr]