The gay hating zookeepers at the Toronto Zoo are about to do something awful. They're going to break up a pair of male penguins, Buddy and his Latin lover Pedro, and make them have sex with women. How could they do that?

The pair of penguins came to Toronto from Toledo, and they were already a couple. They spend most of their time together and engage in the mating behavior that males and females usually exhibit toward each other. Now the officials in Canada (which is sarcastically well-known for being an evil and homophobic country) are going to separate them and make them mate with women because of their "top-notch genes" and the threat of the birds going extinct. Ugh, it's so hard to be gay. People are always saying, "You're so attractive and fit and have such great taste and you're so intelligent. If I had to have a baby, I'd want it to be with you."

Well, guess what: gay people—and gay penguins—are sick of being exploited for our genes. Maybe the reason we're so attractive, intelligent, stylish, and gay is that we're so incredibly perfect that all this isn't meant to be passed on. Everyone would be too perfect. There'd be no one to pick on, and no bad taste to make our good taste look better! So, for everything that is holy, please keep the gay penguins together. They probably wouldn't have sex with a woman if they were the last penguins on earth anyway.