Tonight is one of the biggest bar nights of the year as everyone returns to their suburban hometown and heads out to some skanky sports bar they wouldn't be caught dead in the other 364 nights. Then they drive home drunk and get a DUI. Tale as old as time.

Of course you want to go out tonight and see who got fat and who got divorced and who failed out of college and prove to Jessica Mohoney that she made a big mistake, huge, not going out with you in high school because now you're hot and popular and have a good job. Yes! Get to Bleachers right now, because it's all going down.

Then, after eight beers, you drive home and there is a mandatory stop and you get put in the slammer and then you have to get your mom to bail you out and ruin your holiday. (PS—If that happens, we know just where you can tell everyone about it.) The cops are onto this Thanksgiving Eve thing. Last year Pennsylvania bagged nearly twice as many drunk drivers tonight as they did on Christmas and New Year's Eve.

They know it's coming so don't play into their trap. If you do, you're an idiot. Not as big of an idiot as someone who drinks pumpkin ale or enters a sexy Pocahontas contest, but you're an idiot nonetheless.

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